Wenjie's story
Immigrating to the United States when I was little, I learned early on that people looked up to and admired those that are superior to themselves. Everyone looked at me as a model student. In the playground, I was known as the tough guy, unyielding, and aggressive. I was not someone you messed around with.
High school came and went. It was more of the same. I joined more clubs to stack on my college application. I was never really committed to anything. During this time I began to wear an ever increasing number of masks. One for school, one for my friends, one for my parents, one for my other group of friends, one for my teachers, and one for the clubs I was a part of. Each one took its toll. I pretended to know it all while studying frantically for tests. I pretended to be cool in front of one group of friends while trying to be really down to earth with another group. I pretended to be a hardcore gamer for one group while pretending to be a crazy baller for another. I pretended to be an overachiever and perfectionist while caring little what happened. My life was full of contradictions. Life was full of appearances, full of pretending, and full of questions of what was going on. I buried myself in academics not wanting to answer these nagging questions of what I was doing and where it was leading me. All I can remember of that year was many long nights and constant schoolwork. What happened that year? I can’t even answer that. It was a long blur of uneventful things heaped with numerous questions of why I was doing this. I answered this with: going to a great college of course and let that be it. It was during this time in which I really considered the question of: Is there a God? If so, where was he? And why was he making me so miserable? I came to the conclusion that if I recognized his existence then life would be better. It was also during this time that I contemplated what I thought everyone thought of at some point in their lives: Suicide. I remember looking out from my room on the second floor and thought if I was able to remove the windows and jump out, whether I would die and whether if anyone cared.
When I got my acceptance letters I decided to go to Berkeley. College was supposed to be my defining moment. It was supposed to be where I would experience new things and be on my own for the very first time in my life. It was supposed to be a big place where I can make a name for myself so that all would know who I was. I looked forward to college and even during Calso, I enjoyed every moment of freedom Cal seemed to offer. Before I came, my mom told me to talk with this guy who attended Cal as she believed he can help me transition to college as it was the first time I was so far away from my mother. I called him and got to know him a little. When I moved in, he and his friends helped me carry stuff. I thought to myself, these are pretty cool people, waking up at seven or so in the morning to help me.
During that first welcome week, I went to many of the various events and accepted all the flyers eagerly and taking it back to decide which ones I wanted to go to. Fraternities looked interesting and I kept it aside thinking I would come back to it. As I went to NSWN with some friends, I was blown away. The videos, the skits, Pastor Ed, his message, and the people were all great. Everyone there seemed sincere and welcoming with open arms. I thought to myself: These are people might really be able to accept me. I kept going out, trying to get my friends to go with me, but soon afterwards they all found their own clubs and activities they wanted to join. I kept going out, believing I had found my “club.”
I learned after a couple times out at TFN that this was a religious club, however, after meeting some of the people, mostly seniors actually like Roy, Ray, etc, I felt these people were alright and different somehow. They were not like the religious people I had met earlier in my life. They seemed sincere at all times. I began to take a liking to these people, but most of all the messages every Friday given by Pastor Ed really drew me back. Each message seemed so personal as if it was directed towards me, as if the message was addressing me only. I was intrigued by the messages and made me think about them, however after TFN ended; my mind went to other things.
First semester ended with my dreams of how my life was to be through college shattered. I felt disheartened and weary of too much social life as I began second semester. I decided to take Course 101 thinking it will be good supplemental material and would not take too much time anyways. The first day blew my entire view of Christianity to pieces. All the things I thought was true was written out in front me and said to be misconceptions. As I continued each week’s material, I realized that my entire understanding, my whole view and conception of Christianity was utterly wrong. It was not just wrong, but so far off that I began to wonder where I had gained such knowledge.
The basics of Christianity were so foreign to me. I thought sin was just the bad things we did from time to time and doing good was able to counterbalance it. I never knew what God really wanted from us. I always thought he was just some almighty and powerful being that watched us and would strike us down if we did evil things. Never did I imagine that God, so powerful and almighty would want a relationship, a personal relationship with me of all people. The cross and Jesus’ crucifixion, I never knew what it represented and why people looked to Jesus and the cross. The fact that Jesus came down to us and died for our sins, it was just simply unbelievable. For a God to come down and to die for us showing his mercy, grace, and love for man, I was just taken aback.
During each week of Course 101 it seemed my entire belief of my condition, Christianity, sin, grace, and love were all shaken. As Course 101 approached its end, I had some serious talks with George about the decision, what it meant, the consequences, and what followed. I had qualms about making a decision as I thought I had many conflicting issues. Issues such as I have never really been religious and this is all so new to me or I need time to process all the information or my parents were not religious and telling them would be hard or I wanted my understanding to be complete before making the decision. Many issues that I thought were reasonable and quite legitimate. I look back to that time and I see my true reason for hesitating. I was scared. I was afraid of what it meant to accept Christ, what I had to give up, giving up my life. Therefore, I was left in this indecision.
At a retreat, Pastor Ed talked about the fall. The great fall applying to many who have accepted Christ but have not changed afterwards but instead stood idle. I saw this and applied it to myself. The great fall not in the same sense of not changing after accepting Christ, but in a sense of hesitating after my height of learning about God through Course 101 and the many messages that only increased my understanding of God and my relationship with him. This message really struck me hard. The fall in my case was my own hesitation and my unwillingness to let go. I did not trust God with my life and I had a strong desire to hold onto it. This message really made me see more clearly. Before the retreat ended, while we were in prayer, the question that Steve brought up, what was hold me back, came at me with newfound force. I forced myself to answer. I was holding back because I had such a strong desire to control MY life, MY goals, MY needs, MY everything. I just broke down then. I finally saw and understood what this sin that I thought I understood while covering Course 101 and through the numerous messages, but finally I saw it for what it was and in myself. I was that sinful. I was that broken. Each time sin came up I had set it aside thinking I understood what it meant, broken relationship with God. Never, however, had I really applied this sin to myself. I had continued to see myself as not that sinful or that bad. Finally during that moment in prayer I understood. I saw my true self and I was in disgust. All that time during messages of sin and what it has done was really speaking to me. Everything made sense then. I was a sinner, broken and without hope. That was my true condition. This was who I was. With this understanding, I began to understand everything else. The cross, its meaning and why it was desperately needed. To free us from this sin, Jesus, very nature God, came to take our sin upon himself. He carried our burden for us. A torrent of understanding flooded me and I was overwhelmed. If all this was true, how awesome is God, how merciful is God, and how loving is God. God loved me despite all the wrongs and the hateful things I have done towards him and to others. God loved me despite my life long desire to live my own life apart from him and to have total control over my life. God loved me. I was a sinner, unworthy and unclean, and yet he came and took this upon himself. How amazing is this. How undeserving I was for such an act. What did I do to deserve all this? Absolutely nothing. Not one thing I have done has been pleasing to him and yet he is so graceful. I was speechless. Everything made sense. Everything became clear. I am a sinner. I am broken and have so many transgressions. I am so unworthy. Despite all this, God loves me so much that he gave up his son, Jesus Christ, so that I may have eternal life. Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and my transgressions. What God did was through his mercy and pure love for me. At that moment, the night of September 11, 2004 at Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary, I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I could not stop thinking at how amazing God is. How he has worked through so many people. He brought me to Berkeley, introduced me to Christians, brought me to Course 101, brought me to Sunday Service. He worked through my small group leaders, my fellow brothers and sisters, and through the numerous messages by Pastor Ed. He softened my heart that has grown cold over the years and became unyielding. He really spoke to me in all the messages especially through Course 101. I could not help thinking at all the things God had done to bring me to him. I was amazed at his love. He strove with me every step of the way. I can only say that it was not me, but him. It was not through my own strength, but through his. It was not through an work on my behalf, but all done by him. All I can do is just be in total awe at all that he has accomplished, bringing me, such an undeserving sinner full of hate and desire for control, to him. There are no words that can describe my awe.
So many issues before that I had a hard time deciding between are so clear now. With God as my foundation I can look out on steady ground, not having to worry about where I stand. My foundation is unwavering and I must learn to trust in him for everything. I continue to grapple with sin and my inner conflict for control, however by putting my faith in God and through the word of God, it frees me from such things. One day I was looking at the Bible my friend gave me that started me on the word of God, I saw a verse he wrote out for me. It was from Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” How accurately this verse explains my current condition. In times of trouble and obstacles I must learn not to try to understand it through my own means, which eventually leads to blame and further misunderstanding, but instead to rely on God by putting my faith in him and trusting he only wants the best for me and all that he does is with purpose and love.