Jin's Thanksgiving Reflection
Several years ago, an overarching sentiment I felt can be captured in the words of “How can you?” It is an episode of my life I am very ashamed about and not anything I ever want to relive again. In the summer of 2003, I was burnt out with law school and with life in general because I experienced failure on a worldly and spiritual level. No matter how hard I studied, I had terrible grades. I had no spiritual passion or focus. I didn’t know what I wanted except that I wanted to get away from all of this and so, I decided to take a leave of absence from school and go off to Korea. And I did this without telling anyone- my family, this church, my friends- except at the very end when I told them that I was leaving. Going to Korea isn’t so much the problem as much as the sudden bomb shell dropping manner I let them know, through which people were devastated. I thought people would try to stop me but what I didn’t expect out of my cluelessness was that they would be deeply hurt. Seeing how much pain I caused everyone and feeling bad about this and over the fact that I wasn’t going to change my mind nevertheless, I left feeling awkward and like an even bigger failure. I hated myself and my sentiments towards myself were “How can you?”
I mention this anguishing moment of my life because it underscores how grateful I am for God rebuilding me this past year. This is not to say that God hadn’t started the rebuilding process before this past year. But as I look back on this past year, I see more of the visible fruits that I can point to as a testament to God’s grace and faithfulness. It has been over a little more than a year since I started doing SFSU college ministry and this happens to be the particular vehicle which God happened to use in rebuilding me and through which, stems the many other things that I am thankful for.
The fact that I am even in ministry and that God would want to still use someone like me has been grounds for tremendous adoration throughout the year. I think back to my disillusioned sophomore year when I was utterly depressed and didn’t see the point to anything I did nor would ever do. I think back to more recent years where all the failures I brought upon myself left me resigned to accepting that it meant the death of any spiritual excitement I once had, and that nothing much would come out of my life. Yet throughout this past year, my mind was filled with a lot of questions. As I was leading games for our TFNs and facing the audience of staff and students, I caught myself wondering how a guy like me could be allowed to lead games after all that I had done. As I was on campus flyering and tabling for the New Student Welcome Night and facing a large oncoming crowd, who was I that I should be the one inviting all of them? After all, I am only some screw-up who didn’t have his life together and you wouldn’t put your money on me to help a ministry advance. Yet still, I found myself on the SFSU campus explaining to a crack addict that God makes all things new and that only in him can we have a high like none other. I encountered an African American student and told her that God’s light shines brighter than anything else and no matter what darkness we have in ourselves nor encountered in our past, there is still hope because God’s light will still shine brighter. When a Chinese international student asked me why I asked to pray together before the meal, I motioned towards the sky saying that everything belongs to God and we thank him because of his goodness. Of all the people who could have represented God in those situations, why me? Though years ago my life was headed quickly towards a downward spiritual spiral, how did God bring order to the mess I created such that I am now arranging rides for students, in charge of the curtain setup for Sunday services, helping out with gym nights, directing the New Student Welcome Night skit, going to the DCs to be the first point of contact students would have to our group and probably to God altogether, leading freshman small group, counseling impressionable college students, being the house manager for the first pseudo Dana House of SFSU, and overall, being entrusted with the souls of other people? A lot of these are otherwise mundane and ordinary tasks. Nonetheless, they have been for me heavy with meaning as I felt myself unexpectedly moved to tears when by myself, because not too long ago, I didn’t see myself doing any of this. And I just felt so lucky because somehow, God immersed me with purpose and reawakened the once dormant spiritual zeal buried deep within me.
Yet the fruits of the rebuilding process did not occur in a vacuum. I didn’t just sit by myself in an isolated place, received some independent enlightenment, and then found myself growing and changing spiritually. Rather, I found my faith and love for God being rebuilt in the context of this church. It happened through my spiritual leaders who have inspired, corrected, encouraged, taught, mourned with, celebrated with, and shared excitement, visions, and lives with me. It happened through me being spurred on by my spiritual coworkers. It happened through me hearing the truth in love about myself from others, and myself speaking the truth in love to others. “Brother X, did you know that you sounded really heavy-handed then?” “Brother Y, when you left early before everything was cleaned up, that was really self-preserving.” “Brother Z, let’s talk about our conversation the other day because you sounded disrespectful in tone but I’m not too sure myself. Do you talk like this to other people also?” “Jin, in this large group setting, you’re too loud and need to calm down a bit.” “Jin, you really need to tame your tongue because you can be a loose cannon at times.” “Jin, you have the tendency to being mentally lazy and its effect on others is starting make me really concerned.” “Jin, when you joke about this person and that person, they both feel really uncomfortable.” The rebuilding process happened through apologizing to my roommates and meeting with people I was ministering to. It happened through prayer meetings, bible studies, messages, and retreats. It happened through outings, trips to the airport to send out missionaries, Sierra Lodge building projects, joint services and events with our churches on other campuses, witnessing yet another vow between young men and women to glorify God together in the next phase of their lives together, and visits to couples who birthed yet another child into our church. Through a myriad of experiences of pain, joy, and the ordinary in this community of faith, God used a wide range of people from those I knew and who knew me very well, to those I don’t even know the names of. By being more involved in serving this church this past year, I have experienced greater genuine connection with others and with God. And it has been through these relationships, both near and distant, that God worked on the details of my character and life to rebuild me.
So being a part of college SFSU college ministry made me thankful not just for the sheer privilege in serving, but for this church. By finding myself as a participant rather than a spectator, I saw how deeply connected I am to the people at this church and that they are deeply connected to me. In this one body of Christ, my character and actions have a wide repercussion whether I like it or not. When I drop the ball on a logistics matter, it discolors the atmosphere of the entire program. Therefore, I need to be mindful and careful over the details, rather than being lax. When I treat a student unwisely, it reflects negatively on our ministry and church. When I hold myself back a little bit, it chills the love and enthusiasm of others. When I hurt, it affects many people and when someone else hurts, it affects me. To that extent, we are all in this together, building God’s kingdom, a perspective I did not really appreciate as evidenced by how I decided to go to Korea. And I find the timing of me seeing the importance of the church and the insight that God has been using the church to rebuild me this past year ironic because this past year, we decided to go independent from the Berkland structure. When I was in college years ago, I remember being shaken in my trust and what the church meant for me when a faction of our Korean department, which my parents were a part of along with the parents of other youth students, decided to split away. Yet for some reason, even with the recent decision of autonomy, I have never been more hopeful and driven to plunge myself deeper without any bashful reservation. I am thankful for this church not because it is the perfect place but because God has used it to begin rebuilding me and its members will do whatever it takes to sincerely honor God.
It has been several years but my sentiments can still be captured in the words of “How can you?” Unlike the past, the question is no longer directed towards me but towards God. How can you not give up on someone like me? How can you vindicate my past like the way you’re starting to do so now? How can you be so confident that I am trustworthy enough to taking care of others? How can you afford to take a risk on me by still making yourself vulnerable before me, and instructing the people at your church to do the same? How can a God so great love this wretched sinner so much? How can I love you more? How can I love the people at this church deeper? How can I love the lost more effectively? How can I fight my sinful strongholds so that you can be more pleased with me? How can I ever thank you? There is still so much for me to learn, there is still so much work to be done on my heart and in ministry, and in short, there is still a long way to go. But contrary to my earlier expectations, much has actually come out of my life, thanks to God. I have purpose, I have joy, I have solidarity with others at this church, I have God’s faithfulness, I have life. God “rebuilding” me implies that the process is not yet completed. I am thankful for having reaped some of its fruits this past year and in my recommitment to giving God my all and best, I hope to continue receiving the best from him in the upcoming year.