Jeannie's story
I grew up in a traditionally Buddhist home, but when we came to America when I was three, I was sponsored by a 7th Day Adventist Church. This was my first introduction to the Bible and Christianity. I attended several Sunday schools with my parents friends in junior high and thought church to be the most boring place in the world; the only thing good was that I could see my friends. Sunday school lasted for just a little bit as we moved from place to place depending on my parents’ job. They were immigrant doctors and so had to learn English, re-take their board exams, redo their internships and residency programs when we came to the States.
Moving around a lot taught me how to easily adapt to new situations and people, but it also did not allow for very deep or long-lasting friendships. So I grew up with my three brothers and cousins. We finally settled down in one area and one school district when I was in junior high and thus began my quest for meaning and purpose in life.
For as long as I can remember, fear of failure and fear of rejection have always gripped me. Growing up as the only girl in a male-dominated family of doctors, I always felt very insecure about everything, my personality, my brains, my looks. Even though at school, I would always end up with the “most likely to succeed” and “most athletic” and “most friendly” awards at the end of the school year, still, in my family, I was like the black sheep, and to those that mattered most to me, I was never good enough.
So though I had everything, a good family by any standards, with doctor parents, a nice large house, money to buy me whatever I wanted, and along with that, effortless good grades in school, varsity position on my volleyball team and many friends, I was not happy. I could not find a single soul among all my friends and family who understood me and knew me. Everyone I got to know would satisfy some need I had, but not for long, not to the depth that I craved.
This culminated in my senior year in high school, when among my various friends, party friends, my athlete friends, and the smart AP class friends, I became closer to a group of Christian friends. I started to share with them how I felt about life and my situation. And they in turn invited me to their youth group and church service. For the first time one Friday night, I went to a youth group event. I didn’t like those large-group times that much, but one thing that really impressed me about these people was their genuine joy and peace, something that I longed for that I knew no matter how smiley and friendly I was on the outside, that inside, I deeply lacked.
I asked my friends what to do, how to get to know this Jesus they talked about more. They gave me a tract to read and suggested I read the book of John. I started to devour the Gospels on my own, reading each night and I would meet with them weekly to ask them my burning questions. Who is this Jesus? How do I know Him when he is gone? How do you pray when you can’t see God? In their limited high school knowledge of the Gospel, they would try to answer my questions each week and I would leave dissatisfied, yet still so intrigued by them and their simple confidence in this Bible and in their God. Many times, they would say, I don’t quite know how to answer your questions, but I do know I have experienced God in those ways you long for.
The tract that they gave me talked about my most important relationship. It explained the basics of the Gospel to me, that I was a sinner, in need of forgiveness. That there was nothing I could do, no amount of good works that could lead me to God, and that God send his Son Jesus to die for my sins. And when I place my trust in Him and ask Him for forgiveness and promise to repent, to turn from my sins and renounce them, that he would come with be with me, to lead and guide me daily in my life. This seemed just too good to be true.
But I still held out. By this time I had been attending church and youth group for almost 5-6 months now. I knew I was a sinner, there was no doubt about that. I knew that no matter how wonderful I appeared to be on the outside, no matter how friendly I was and how much people liked me, no matter how great my family was, that inside, I was a sinner. This was something that having a Buddhist background taught me acutely. Their philosophy is that in order to get to the state of Nirvana (or heaven) where I am one with God and one with the universe, that I must be good, and continue to live a good life, until I am reincarnated and become enlightened through accumulated good works and a good life. As I thought about that religion, I thought, then there is no way I would ever make it to Nirvana, how could anyone become good to that extent. I can try as I might, but there is no way I can ever change the darkness that I see within myself, the selfishness and envy of others, the ungrounded anger for no reason. Even though I came from the best of backgrounds, I knew that I would not stand a chance if I were to be judged based upon my goodness. As I read more of the Gospels and the Bible, I identified with Apostle Paul as he wrote: Phil 3:4 though I myself have reasons for such confidence. If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: Phil 3:5 circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; Phil 3:6 as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless. Phil 3:7 But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. Phil 3:8 What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ Phil 3:9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.
Here was a man who had everything and yet said that he could not have a righteousness of his own because such a righteousness based on good works was impossible. The Christian faith explained the predicament of my heart so much more clearly than any other religion I had looked into. I knew I was a sinner and so that was settled, I knew that Jesus died for me and that was incredible good news. Still though, I refused to relinquish the control of my life to him. I knew that if I were to ask Christ into my heart, that would mean many things and I was not willing yet to let those things go. I knew that following Christ would demand a change in my life, that I could no longer do whatever I pleased with my time, my life, my energies, my money.
Up until then, although I went to church with my church friends, still, on the weekends and other nights, I would hang out with my other very worldly and secular friends, sometimes drinking, sometimes just telling crude and crass jokes and stories, often just gossiping about others needlessly and making fun of them to make ourselves feel better. I knew that these things would have to stop if I ever became a Christian. I knew that it would jeopardize my very good standing and relationship with my more popular non-Christian friends, and even with my family. I knew that a commitment to Christ meant everything in my life would be affected and changed; I knew I would not be able to continue to be close friends with anyone who did not share the same heart and life purpose.
All these things swirled in my mind and I continued to struggle with the truth of the word of God each night when I was alone on my bed. My feeble prayers to God were, “God, I think you’re there, I know I’m a sinner, I know I need you. I know I cannot go on as I am. If you are there, please confirm to me somehow.” At this time, we were approaching Christmas, and the message that I heard at Christmas time finally broke me. It was on Romans 8, Ro 8:31 What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? Ro 8:32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
The preacher said that God did not spare anything to save me from my sin, even sending Jesus his only beloved Son, and that this was God’s Christmas gift to me. And then proceeded to challenge us, if that is God’s gift, Jesus’ very life, then how can I spare anything from God, what am I holding back? For the first time, I felt sorry for my life, that my sins and my wrongs resulted in this innocent man’s death for me. For the first time, I realized my sin was against someone, that I had personally offended God, that it wasn’t just about me trying harder to become a better person. That God had created me to do good works, and that in violating his law and living for myself, I was wronging him personally. Yet instead of condemning me, he wanted to pardon me through forgiveness. My sin became real to me that night as I remembered how it had hurt others, mostly my parents and brothers.
I was very disturbed that night as I went home. I sat on my bed and I re-read that tract. The title was “Your Most Important Relationship.” I thought about everything else I held dear and thought about my directionless life. I realized, no matter the consequences of becoming a Christian, that the consequences of remaining in my sin, even if I still held on to everything I had, were far worse, it would result in eternal separation from God. The passages I had read in John came to me at that point. Jn 12:25 The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Jn 12:35 Then Jesus told them, “You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. The man who walks in the dark does not know where he is going. Jn 12:36 Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light.”
I realized that what I was seeking after all along, the joy, the peace, the someone who knew me fully, that those were all fulfilled in Jesus yes. But that that wasn’t the point. The point was, I was a sinner and my sin separated me from God. Even if I achieved those things in life, apart from God, it would be nothing, b/c I was destined for death. I did as the tract told me, I asked for forgiveness and repented for my sins and placed my trust in Jesus that night. My first prayer after that was, “God, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know that you are with me and will lead and guide me.”
Since then, indeed, I have experienced him leading me step by step. I received the courage to completely break away from my old friends and their lifestyle of just pleasure seeking at the expense of others. I received courage to share with my family the Gospel message, and to stand up against their materialistic values. And furthermore, in college, God led me to Gracepoint Fellowship Church, where I continued to grow and learn more about the Gospel, the church, life, the human predicament.
My life now, is so so completely different from what I had ever imagined in the world. My puny dreams when I was little was to become a teacher and marry a doctor. I am a teacher now, of sorts, I teach the Bible, I teach at church. And I am married to a wonderful engineer. Close enough I guess. But the sphere of my concern, which before was for my immediate family and sometimes not even them, has now expanded to world-wide global concern. And the work that I do is for eternity, I have an eternal impact on those around me. I can say confidently now, that my old longings to be fully known and accepted by someone have been far-exceeded. Not only does God know me in all my sin, but he provided a way out for me through repentance. Not only has he bestowed that salvation on me freely, but he has given me cosmic eternal purpose for my life. I have experienced Psalm 23. Ps 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. Ps 23:2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, Ps 23:3 he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. …my cup overflows. Ps 23:6 Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.