Bo's story
When I was in China, I had never imagined myself becoming religious. The Communist ideal was my ‘religion’, and I simply dismissed Christianity as a fanciful interpretation of what science had yet to explain, a self-reassuring way of seeking mental and emotional support. Life was smooth sailing both at home and school. A scholarship to study in Singapore, loving parents and friends – I thought I would never need Christ.
Then I moved to Singapore for high school. Like everyone else, I was looking for an identity. Since I had a hard time fitting in as a foreign student, I chose to be a thinker- quiet, aloof, and looking smart. I asked myself those big questions in life and tried to answer them through philosophy readings. It was a torture I brought upon myself, just to appear sophisticated before others. Confused about the conflicting theories I read, I was trapped in the “thinker” identity. I had to find the answers, and if logic and reasoning weren’t working, then maybe, there was a higher transcendence, a God. It was around then when some of my Christian friends invited me to attend their worship services. I had to admit that there was something different about my Christian friends. And if their God could make them so unusually humble, earnest and forgiving, then I had to find out more about this God. So I finally accepted their invitation.
Through the Sunday messages, I began realizing that I was not as good as I appeared, but God loves me for who I am. That alone was a powerful and attractive message. Everything felt great at the beginning, and I soon was asked if I was ready to make a decision to accept Jesus. I could see myself as a sinner, or rather, a mistaker. Surely I was not the worst one out there, because I still received praises from people. But I wanted God to make me a better person. One night, I came across a verse, Genesis 49:4, that said, “Unstable as water, thou shalt never excel.”. I took that as a sign from God to stop being vague about my stand, and I accepted Christ for the first time.
Not surprisingly, my self-seeking “faith” did not survive long. The next thing I realized after my rushed decision was that I have to give up everything for the Lord, but I simply couldn’t trust Him entirely to take care of my relationship, my time, my ambition. Meanwhile, I encountered some major challenges from my atheist friends and elders. With my friends, I did not know enough about the Bible to defend my faith. With the elders, I was always on the receiving side for they had more life experience. I was constantly lectured that for my personal perfection, I do not need Jesus or the bible. Bible is not the only book that tells one to love one another and be humble. Furthermore, Christianity, in their opinion, is just a social product whereby a group of people think alike and behave alike. The people who told me these were kind and successful in their lives, so I had no ground to dismiss their view that one did not need Christ to lead a good life. Gradually, I withdrew myself from Christ and continued to lead a self-centered life.
Fortunately however, my journey with Christ did not stop there. I came to Berkeley and got to know about acts2fellowship. Pastor Ed’s messages brought face to face with the consequences of my sin. I saw myself trying to put on different “faces” in front of others, and in the process lost my integrity as a person. I saw that sin really meant serving myself and as long as I was my own master, I could not serve God fully. All the while people had been telling me that I was a good student, a good friend and a good son, but deep inside, I knew I was not. I was another person, full of self-preserving pride and fear of commitment. It hurt to see my inequities, a part of me that I could not discard. Often times I wondered if life would be easier without thinking about these, and I still tried to keep a “safe” distance from God. But God would not let me stay away from the uncomfortable truth. My leaders were very keen in knowing me and my spiritual walk. George was so patient and persistent in pulling me back on track when I tried to avoid God. The usual question after a Friday dinner with him was, “Do you want to come for bible study later?” Even when he was set to have surgery, he still initiated the Survival Kit course with me. His firm beliefs and passion for Christ simply overflowed and affected me. Through Course 101 and the book Case for Faith, I was able to address many of my doubts and questions regarding Christianity. Gradually I came to a point where nothing held me back intellectually; it was up to my willingness to respond and restore this relationship with God, which I had kept breaking. It all made sense in theory: my sinful nature was keeping me from responding to God; I must lay down my cynicism and defense mechanism, expose my wretched self, and trust in Him for forgiveness. But I just could not overcome the doubt in myself. My heart was unstable as water. Then I watched the Passion movie. I could see myself standing in the crowd, who watched Jesus being tortured and crucified; they were not unmoved, yet they were so afraid of going against the social pressure to acknowledge Christ and commit to him. I could live my life like them, hiding in the crowd, going with the flow, liking his healing miracles but not wanting him to govern over my life, and always taking the easy way out so that I didn’t have to confront anything. I was filled with shame for my brokenness, but at the same time I was overwhelmed by the love of Christ, who at his last breath prayed for the exact man that pinned him on the cross.
It was another invitation to a relationship with God. There is no relationship that comes at a greater price than this, for Jesus willingly died for me on the cross. And there is no relationship more personal than this, for He knows my every sin, better than I know myself. After all my failures, He still calls me His son and beckons me home. If I didn’t accept the invitation, I would go on living a life unable to commit to anyone but myself. That’s not the way I wanted to live my life; that’s not a way God wanted me to live. I had to accept Him, and I did, on the Easter Sunday of 2004.
The spiritual honeymoon did not last long before I had to struggle with issues such as spiritual stagnancy and my inability to fully surrender the lordship. The principles that I lived by all my life, principles that would appear so rational to non-Christians, suddenly became questionable. Growing up in a competitive culture where only one in hundreds would make it, I had always been an achiever. But God showed me that personal improvement had no end to it. There was always more to be done to prepare for my career, but every minute I spent building that perfect resume, I was missing the chance to deepen my relationships with the people He placed around me. It was through those relationships, and through trying to give up my research hours for those relationships, that I came to see in the depth of my heart, I was so incapable of loving anyone but myself. If that brutal realization was not enough, my brothers also helped me to see how deluded I was about myself. No, God has not bestowed on me many gifts- I cannot not sing, nor play basketball. And I am not that considerate roommate I once pictured myself; I am not the true compassionate soul as reflected on my resume. This truth about me is both humbling and liberating. There is no more images to maintain and I no longer gauge people based on their performance or compatibility. After all, God had but one gift for me, and when He did it, He was so profuse with it that this gift made up for all that which He did not give. And that’s His love, shown through my leaders and peers. I do not need to struggle with my fear for being rejected, for they have accepted me even as they know my weakness and sins. Instead of striving to be someone lovable, I can rest in the assurance of love. From humility springs forth security and a better appreciation of the truth that “God’s love cannot be earned, but it is freely given and should be humbly accepted.”
With what I have received, I am more willing to love others. I look to my leaders and see how they stretch themselves. George has a packed schedule, but seemed always available to meet. Rick and Sue constantly invited us over for dinner, and if we were busy, they’d come all the way to Berkeley. Every act of love requires a sacrifice, be it time, or overcoming the awkwardness of befriending a stranger. In fact, I have done so little that my sacrifice is not even worth mentioning. And if there were any sacrifice on my part, it cannot compare to what others have gone through to love me, nor can it compare to the joy that comes after. The occasional feeding of my brothers, sharing with them the struggles we go through, or simply spending more time with them – these little acts have enriched my life tremendously for it puts on my mind someone other than myself. And I thank God for giving me this perspective to love.
Going back to my soul searching, I still have many of my questions about life unanswered, but the Lord has taught me to be humble and patient. The answers always rest in my relationship with Him and those that I have through Him. All I need to do is to focus on Him, and gradually, without even noticing it, I will live my way into the answers.