Blessed are the injured
It's the fifth day now since we ran into that tree, inner-tubing down the sled run behind our Sierra Lodge. What a scare that was and has been since. I think we traumatized everyone else more than we received trauma to our heads. Since then, there hasn't been a time when I've been left alone. I've had to be monitored; for dizziness, too much drowsiness, nausea, slowness of thought, slurred speech. I can't drive. I can't cook. I can barely drag the laundry basket in from the garage. I can't move too quickly or bend down or up too suddenly. I can't check email or be on the computer for too long. I can't do all the "normal" everyday things of life. They say it takes one week to several months to recover fully. That's a long time. As I've had plenty of time each day to reflect on our DT passage, Matthew 5-7, one thing for sure that's really hit home through all of this is that I am indeed poor in spirit (poor in body too). And definitely I've become a bit meeker. I realized how utterly dependent I am. I can't do anything without having to rely on others to help me. I've been quite restless these past few days; anxious about when I can get out again, when I can contribute to the world again, when I can care for others instead of being cared for, I'm constantly thinking about this or that, what I need to do and take care of. As a full grown adult and mother of two who is used to taking charge and being needed, it's a very vulnerable feeling. And I feel so helpless, so needy. It’s not a feeling I like very much. At the core, I still rebel against the thought of being dependent on anyone else, I don't want to owe anyone anything, I don't want to be in debt. And boy do I owe a lot of people a lot of things. The meals cooked, hours spent taking care of three girls with concussions and a broken nose, phone calls made to accommodate us, rides, massages, snacks, babysitting needs, not to mention prayers and phone calls and emails of concern. And so I realized, this is my true state. Before my Creator, my Heavenly Father who knows all my needs; before Him, this is my state all the time, a person in need. I am dependent, I am derivative. And yet, it's this truth that I am completely at the mercy and grace of God and others that is finally allowing me to relax and rest as I should, to learn to receive from others and be on the recipient end, to have to ask for help and admit I am vulnerable and needy. And so the truths of these beatitudes, that blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven, and blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth, are two truths that have lodged in my heart with a conviction and clarity that I hope I will never forget even when I am completely recovered.