As it's passion week, I have been thinking a lot about each of the characters in the passion events. As much as I hate to admit it to myself, much less to others; I am like these individuals. Yet, when I read the accounts that show how they are, I want to distance myself from them. I say to myself, I'm not that bad, I’m not like them. These accounts seem so unbelievable and incredulous almost, that people could be that cruel. How can a close friend betray Jesus for a mere 30 pieces of silver? How can crowds of people switch allegiances so quickly? How can a group of authorities frame an innocent man, and destroy and snuff out his life, just like that. How can THE commander in chief be so swayed by human approval, that he threw out his own conscience and good judgment to keep his political position? How can Jesus’ own close friends and followers, faithful and loyal to him for 3+ years, all flee and deny relationship with him to escape culpability? And yet I am like them. I am like these soldiers, whose anger and violence played out in cruel mockery and violence towards an innocent man that they did not even know. I am like these soldiers, just wanting to lord it over other people for no good reason. The events of the passion week seem like a made up story. And yet, as I read and as I write it out like this, boy, it hits close to home. I recognize aspects of myself in these characters: the cowardice and fear I feel in front of others that causes me to deny what I know to be true, how easily swayed I am by the tide of public or not so public opinion that makes me doubt my identity, the anger and even violent thoughts that surge within me because somehow I feel slighted, or because of some chip on my shoulder. Ultimately, the mantra that is behind my actions and words is "save myself." But this was the very reason Jesus came to die; not to save himself, but to save me from my own sin. I try to save myself from pain, from ridicule, from suffering and shame. He saved me from myself, my sins that would have destroyed me and everything good around me. What a wretched man I am indeed. Lord, please deliver me.

It's the fifth day now since we ran into that tree, inner-tubing down the sled run behind our Sierra Lodge. What a scare that was and has been since. I think we traumatized everyone else more than we received trauma to our heads. Since then, there hasn't been a time when I've been left alone. I've had to be monitored; for dizziness, too much drowsiness, nausea, slowness of thought, slurred speech. I can't drive. I can't cook. I can barely drag the laundry basket in from the garage. I can't move too quickly or bend down or up too suddenly. I can't check email or be on the computer for too long. I can't do all the "normal" everyday things of life. They say it takes one week to several months to recover fully. That's a long time. As I've had plenty of time each day to reflect on our DT passage, Matthew 5-7, one thing for sure that's really hit home through all of this is that I am indeed poor in spirit (poor in body too). And definitely I've become a bit meeker. I realized how utterly dependent I am. I can't do anything without having to rely on others to help me. I've been quite restless these past few days; anxious about when I can get out again, when I can contribute to the world again, when I can care for others instead of being cared for, I'm constantly thinking about this or that, what I need to do and take care of. As a full grown adult and mother of two who is used to taking charge and being needed, it's a very vulnerable feeling. And I feel so helpless, so needy. It’s not a feeling I like very much. At the core, I still rebel against the thought of being dependent on anyone else, I don't want to owe anyone anything, I don't want to be in debt. And boy do I owe a lot of people a lot of things. The meals cooked, hours spent taking care of three girls with concussions and a broken nose, phone calls made to accommodate us, rides, massages, snacks, babysitting needs, not to mention prayers and phone calls and emails of concern. And so I realized, this is my true state. Before my Creator, my Heavenly Father who knows all my needs; before Him, this is my state all the time, a person in need. I am dependent, I am derivative. And yet, it's this truth that I am completely at the mercy and grace of God and others that is finally allowing me to relax and rest as I should, to learn to receive from others and be on the recipient end, to have to ask for help and admit I am vulnerable and needy. And so the truths of these beatitudes, that blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven, and blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth, are two truths that have lodged in my heart with a conviction and clarity that I hope I will never forget even when I am completely recovered.

2007 has been a year where I have been learning to go back to the basics. I am so thankful to God for working in me and through me this year despite my failures and setbacks. I still remember the joy I felt when 2007 began. I really messed up in 2006 because I was so locked up in my own pride that refused to grow or move in any sort of way. I was doing things for the sake of just doing things. For example, I was meeting with students because that was what was expected of me as staff, not because I really want to know them and love them; going to prayer meetings because that was expected of me, not because I was hungering for that time with God. I thought that I had everything figured out and everything just became a routine. I lost a sense of fear towards God and it became all about how I felt and guarding my pride. Knowing how miserable I was last year, I approached 2007 with more humility.

My first priority was going to be time with God’s word. I had neglected my time with God as I juggled working life and ministry. I used to do DT whenever I had time throughout the day. But as things got busier with life and ministry, there seemed to be less and less time to just sit and do DT daily. And soon, there were more days where I did not do my DT than the days than I did. I decided to go back to the basics. Although I have heard it many times and read it many times, finally I took on the advice on how to have good DT. The first thing was to find a regular place and time to do DT. I am so thankful for Northloop. It is so close to home and very quite in the morning. It is the perfect place to do DT. I chose to do DT in the morning because I wanted my time with God to be the first thing that I do before my mind becomes cluttered with daily activities. Because I am a very task-oriented person, once I get my day started my mind does not stop until I hit the bed and it becomes very difficult for me to have quality DT when I keep thinking about what I have to do next. In the beginning, it was very hard for me to wake up and drive myself to NL and do my DT. I asked Susan and Sarah to keep me accountable. Knowing that someone will be there became an incentive to wake up in the morning. Although first couple of weeks was difficult, and the days during GLive were very difficult to wake up, I have learned to push through and really learned to cherish my times at NL. There have been numerous occasions when God would speak to me during those times or how that particular morning text would give me strength or encouragement whenever I had a tough day at work. Now, I really depend on my time with God at NL. I never really realized how important DT was until now. I can see it clearly how different I am on the days that I do DT and the days that I don’t. On the days that I don’t do DTs, I feel restless and isolated. It is not out of my self-will that I do DT every morning, but because I know that I need God’s word daily to keep me sane and to find strength to face another day. I am thankful that God has taught me to depend on His word daily. Although I do not enjoy my work, it has taught to me depend of God’s word daily to draw strength and encouragement. That is why I get up early every morning even though I am tired because God has taught me to love that time in God’s word.

Another aspect that God has added to my spiritual life is prayer. Often, prayer meeting is the only time I take time to pray to God, and it did not feel right that my prayer time has not grown for past four or five years. Beside doing DT in the morning, I decided to set aside fifteen to twenty minutes after dt to just pray. Once again, I am thankful for NL for being that perfect place for me to pray. These prayer times helped me to depend on God more. The things in my life that I would not even bothered praying about, I have learned to leave my concerns to God through those times. These times helped me to have more regular prayers for my girls, for ministry, for church, for mission, for my spiritual life. It also helped me to be more expressive in my prayers. I am thankful to God for teaching me how to pray and depend on him. I realized that it is in prayer that God stretches my heart to care about other things beside my own agenda. As I pray for different things beside my own concerns, I have experienced numerous times where my heart would pour out in prayer to my own surprise. I know that this is not because I am a spiritual person, but because I am making myself available to care about what God cares about. I’m thankful that I have just begun to learn to share in God’s heart and to experience something outside of my own sphere of concern.

After the winter retreat, I was inspired to memorize scripture more. Before, my cynical attitude would be against memorizing the scripture because I would get discouraged because of numerous different references. Instead of letting my cynicism getting the better of me, I have decided to memorize a whole chapter at a time so that I don’t have to worry about the reference. I decided to memorize one verse every other day. I started with 1 Corinthians 13 then Psalm 130, Isaiah 53, Romans 8, and Philippians 2. It took a lot of discipline on my part to review and memorize verses. I would memorize the verses while I was driving on local streets, then review the verses while I was on freeway or when I exercised. In the beginning, I did not know how this would enrich my spiritual time. Time and time again, certain verses I memorized would enhance my understanding of the DT text. Or, when I would feel discouraged and began to doubt God, certain verses like Romans 8:28 ("And we know that in all things God works for good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose") would quickly wash away my doubts or cynicism. Or verses like Psalm 130 have really helped me to cry out to God as I borrow the word of the Psalmist to express my need for God’s presence in my life. I am thankful to experience God’s words becoming so real and powerful. It has been more than what I expected from memorizing the scriptures.

As I watched the 2nd and 3rd grade Joyland children perform and sing and recall their lines virtually flawlessly on the night of the Joyland Christmas Celebration 2007, I was able to reflect on how God had truly coordinated and made all the pieces come together. You see, many (myself most of all) would consider it something of a miracle that the skit was a success.

From the beginning, we couldn’t figure out a decent script after weeks and weeks of brainstorming. Somehow, we handed our humble ideas to a couple of our in-house drama ‘contractors’ Richard and Andrew, and after a single night at the 24-hour diner, a new, complete script had been cranked out. Thinking that the hardest was over, we dove into preparing costumes and props and kid assignments and coaching. I quickly found my hands full, and myself scrambling to keep up with all of the variables that needed to be considered. Members of my team were constantly asking me “Errrrr… shouldn’t we be doing _____ now? And … uh… don’t you think we need to ____?” Moreover, the kids were having a hard time speaking with any expression or consistent acting.

With all of these issues and more, I knew that I was in over my head with this skit, and only with God’s much-needed help did anything happen. My team seemed to always remember what needed to be done when I didn’t, and they worked tirelessly for many late nights to get every aspect to be the most thorough or complete as possible. Other members from different parts of our church volunteered hours to help our kids emote appropriately. Many of our ideas or plans flopped but with just enough time to modify them.

In the end, I saw that God wouldn’t let my incompetence get in the way of making this a special time for each child involved. I am humbled and amazed at how God worked in spite of my failures and shortcomings, and in the end, it gives much such security and joy in Him to know that He is so faithful.

Graduate program can be a spiritually trying time for the Christian students in the International Student Ministry (ISM). The work load, the uncertainty of research, and the pressure from advisors to produce results can cause our graduate students to put aside their time with God. To proactively make room in our schedule for fellowship with God and with one another, we scheduled to meet together for DT at one of the students’ apartment near campus every Thursday evening.

We had about four students and a few staff members in each meeting. Starting with dinner, we would catch up with one another’s life over the past week, study that day’s DT text with the help of the DT questions, have a time of group discussions and reflections, and share prayer requests at the end. The discussion time is my favorite part of the meeting because the students would engage each other with questions and answers about the text. Through the discussion time, we would delve deeper into God’s Word and share how God spoke to each one of us personally.

I was concerned about the consistency of these meetings in the beginning. The students could easily miss a meeting here and there because they had an unexpected meeting with their advisors, or because their experiments ran long, or because they were too tired from a day’s work. However, the students tried hard to make it every week so that they could connect with God and with one another.