The past two years or so with my chronic hand condition (repetitive stress injury) has taught me a lot and I feel that it has been a real growing experience. My hand problems started back in the late 90s but weren’t so bad until after Michelle was born, so that I had to drastically cut down my typing, and now can’t write for more than a minute without feeling pain for the rest of the day. Through these years, I’ve experienced a continual decrease in my ability to perform life activities-I remember when I stopped cooking, stopped cleaning, stopped taking notes or writing down my DT’s, numerous times that I emailed out that I would not be checking email, etc. I’ve seen many doctors and tried all kinds of therapies, but no one has been able to help me much except to say that I need to manage it through exercise, managing my work, voice activation, etc.
There were many ups and downs emotionally because of this. My natural bent is to be pessimistic overall, to see the cup as half empty, to be quick to point out why some idea will not work and to be very critical. I’m not sure why I’m like this b/c I grew up in a good home, with kind parents and everything provided for, but I always managed to be dissatisfied and unhappy. We recently took a survey that gauged our optimistic or pessimistic propensity, with a positive score being optimistic and negative pessimistic. Most people scored between -5 and +5, with +5 considered moderately optimistic. I scored a -11, and this just confirmed to me that I am a very pessimistic person. Because of this bent, when I found my hands getting worse, and my overall health declining, I would go into downward spirals of being emotionally very downcast. My mind would go into all kinds of crazy patterns of thinking: "I’m only going to get worse, I’m going to be totally debilitated, I’m going to lose my job and never be able to work again, then our family is going to starve because I’m the main breadwinner, or Daniel’s going to have to work and then miss his calling in life to go into full time ministry and it’s all going to be my fault…" and so on.
Looking back, however, despite all this, I can say confidently that I’m thankful for this time because it taught me something that I never learned in my years of growing up comfortably without much struggle or hardship-how to deny my emotions and do what is right, and how to be thankful and see what God is doing despite what I perceive to be not very good personal circumstances. Besides this, I’ve been the recipient of so much love from so many people because of my hand situation, for which I can only thank God.
I’ve learned how to deny my emotions by proactively seeking out help, either by asking my leaders and peers for help and prayers, or through going to the word of God and prayer. I would talk to my leaders and gain perspective from them, being encouraged to go back to the word of God and just being greatly encouraged by their care and prayers for me. Also, daily devotions became so alive as I hungered for God’s word to set my mind in the right direction, as I saw how easily my mind would go down destructive paths. I wanted my mind to be governed by the word of God rather than my own thinking. So many times, God’s word reminded me of the truth, that I am a sinner whose greatest need has been taken care of, so that I could know the secret of being content in any circumstance. It reminded me of the fact that I shouldn’t be surprised at trials or suffering, and that God’s grace is sufficient for me. Sometimes just thinking about John 3:16, of the extent and depths of God’s love, would help me so much. Often when I prayed, my mind was set straight as well. Many times, I would realize through prayer that my greatest problem is not my physical condition, but my sinful heart, and that would give me perspective on what I really needed to be grieving over. It also gave me reason to be thankful, as I could re-affirm that indeed my sin has been atoned for and my salvation is something that is unchanging. Many times, I’ve clung onto the verse, "Why are you so downcast o my soul, why so disturbed within me?"
I also decided that I would not allow my mind to harbor the same old hopeless thoughts about what “might” happen. When I saw my mind going down that path, I decided that I would try and re-train it to focus on the truth. Not only the truth of the gospel, but the truth that I am very well taken care of and that my condition is not that bad. I have my mother in law who takes care of all my needs at home and with my kids-which most people who are well don’t even dream about! I have numerous people in my life, from my leaders to my friends to staff who serve with me, all kinds of people within this church, who I know are willing to help me with whatever needs I may have, from cooking to cleaning to logistics. Because of my condition, I’ve gotten to work closely with many people on different projects, because I always need someone to be my “hands.” Even when I hear about suffering going on around the world on the news on the way to work, I use that as an opportunity to thank God that I am so well taken care of, or when I hear about single moms, to be grateful that I’m not a single mom with my condition but that I have so much support. Recently, Tom Wolf’s suggestion to tell ourselves every day that “95% of the world doesn’t think like you” was a good opportunity for me to start off the day remembering that even with this condition, I’m still better off than 95% of the world-who would have no recourse when in my situation and who would actually be facing possible total loss of income, poverty, etc.
There have been times when I’ve been tempted to feel sorry for myself because I feel useless and like a failure in ministry. I used to think that my one talent is typing fast (I used to transcribe really well!) but now I don’t even have that, and besides that, I can’t do much of anything. However, I’ve had to again and again acknowledge that God is at work in my life and all around me, so that I couldn’t dwell in such self-pity. In the past two years, I’ve had the privilege of serving in college ministry, of starting kairos and seeing it grow, seeing the leads stretch and really be used by God, been able to work with two scripts in GLive, the juniors and seniors, and saw the miracle of those scripts coming together out of nothing, now in a2f I’ve experienced people’s salvation, people changing, having spiritual breakthroughs, and now the welcome nights and all the people that God has brought to us. I experienced my heart really expanding for others through these years, in empathy, prayer and the desire to really help them. God has done so much despite my many inadequacies, flaws and failures—which are far more abundant than just my hand problem. Though I might feel like I can’t do much, and I’m inadequate in many ways, I certainly can’t deny that God is at work and has included me in that work, and for that I have been in awe, and so grateful, and just wanting to be faithful to the people He has brought. This has taught me that it truly is not about me, but about God’s passion and zeal for souls, and it has taught me that God is compassionate in allowing me to be part of this work. He is not interested so much in what I can do, my abilities or service, but in allowing me to see people from His perspective and in sharing in the desire that others would come to know His love in a deeper way.
These past few years, I have experienced that indeed in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Not that He made my hands better or my circumstances more “certain” in the sense that I know what’s going to happen with my hand condition. Rather, He has allowed me to experience greater trust in Him, and greater conviction that His word is true, that He is a good and compassionate God, and He is more than sufficient to meet my needs. He has allowed me to experience growth in an area that I always struggled with-overcoming my emotions and feelings, and trying to be consistent and faithful to what has been entrusted to me despite how I feel. Even with this condition, I would not trade this experience for anything, and I truly thank God for ALL he has done in my life.