I do not have much pain or suffering in my life to talk of - my upbringing was stable and uneventful, my parents were nurturing and we were members of the well-heeled middle class in LA. But a few years ago, I went through a cycle of illness, migraine headaches, stomach problems, car accidents and even a broken toe, and though none of these were serious in themselves, the frequency and consistency of my incapacity caused me to seriously question what I might be able to accomplish in life, especially in my service for God. Still young in my 30s, I primarily conceived of my faith as what I do for God in terms of serving others through ministry. This of course is a Biblically healthy attitude for all who take seriously the Lordship and authority of Christ, as we know there is no faith without works. But I have often struggled with another important Biblical value: "being before doing". Naturally lazy and easily satisfied, I have said often that when I discovered Christ's call to service as a natural outgrowth of my love for him, I began to work hard in a way that I have never been able to sustain before. It was exhilarating and fulfilling to expend my time, energy and money for the sake of the Gospel by joining short term mission teams, moving equipment, talking to people, setting up willard, doing whatever needed to be done. But as I lay there in bed many days recovering from yet another bout of illness, it struck me that I might not be able to serve God in the way that I want, which filled me with anxiety, stress and even irritation and frustration. And at the heart of it was: "in the way that I want". Somehow, at the beginning of my walk with God I was all too happy to do whatever was asked of me, but along the way, I began to think, and became even certain, that I ought to serve God in definite and indisputable ways. I had to ask myself, If I never achieve those goals, will I be ok with that? Would I still be able to love God and people in whatever way God wanted me to? Would I be ok being needy and the object of others' service?
I struggled mightily with God and argued with him often. I didn't want to live out my faith in any way other than a course I would chart out as successful. I had to rethink my whole idea of success and failure and a meaningful life in God's eyes. Though I've rarely been ambitious, I began to see how I wanted to do much with God helping me, rather than submitting myself to God as he does his work. I recall we covered Deuteronomy for DT during those days and all of God's words poured out, his laws, provisions, decrees, to the Israelites so that they would become a certain sort of people first and foremost. Yes, to live it out before the nations but only as a natural consequence of their inner, unseen character as people of God. I recall being blessed too by one DT on Ephesians 2:8-9, the famous verses on the grace of God being a gift, undeserved and unearned. A gift to be simply received. And I note again that the following verse talks of doing good works as a result.
But when the good works, in the way that I want, to the extent that I want, could not be done by me, would I continue to demand it be so, or accept my place and be satisfied to serve another way? Through that time, I prayed often, "This is who I am and I accept my limitations. Use me however you will." I tried to persevere through my frequent illness and life's inconveniences instead of being irritated and depressed. As someone has said, an essential part of growing in character is to first accept your personal limitations. I see that it was during this difficult time that God wanted to mold my character. Though still hard at times, I can say much more easily now that I accept my limitations and God's plan for my life if when all is said and done, I can have the kind of inner, unseen character that would honor God.