Coming from a Mexican family and being the oldest daughter made it really hard for me to be the person I really wanted to be. I was always considered to be the good student, the good daughter, the good friend, the good everything. I tried to be the good daughter by helping my mom raise my twin little sisters, being a model student in school and going to church. Inside however, I always had the desire be free. I constantly argued with my dad because he didn’t let me go out and I felt trapped. I hated that I didn’t have the same liberty as all my other friends because I was not allowed to go out. What I hated the most were the differences in liberty between my brother and me. I always got the same chant, “you are a girl and he is a guy.” In my mind I always thought….bla bla bla.
I knew that I was going to apply to colleges far away from home to be freed from my so called jail. All I had in mind when I thought about college was LIBERTY. My first two years in college were driven by the idea that I could do what ever I wanted when ever I wanted. All I was really looking for was acceptance for who I wanted to be and not by what others wanted me to be. Because of this I, joined a Latina Woman’s group, and an Engineering group. I thought I was pretty complete, but no there was something missing. I was longing for that one special person who would completely understand me. So, what did I do? During the summer of my transition from sophomore to junior year I began to date. “Now I am complete,” I thought.
There was one problem however, I was living a lie. I was dating this person and my parents didn’t know about it. I was living miserably, and on top of that I was applying to transfer into the college of engineering. During this time, I was asked by the college of engineering to take a summer class the summer before my junior year for further review of my application. I was so happy I was given this chance and I made a promise to myself and God that I would do my best at this challenge and look for a church in the summer. The only problem with this was that I was seeing God as a deal-breaker.
It was this time when I had my first re-encounter with God. My deal with God was just to find a church and I was to get into the college of engineering. So I completed my end of the deal by church hopping, but not really taking it seriously. To my surprise, I actually found a church. I met Betty at my chemistry class that summer and during a conversation I told her I was church hopping. She asked what kind of church I was looking for and I told her that early in my childhood I had been exposed to the gospel and wanted a church similar to one from back home. Betty invited me but very reluctantly told me that this was a mostly Asian-American church and asked if I was open to that. I liked it and continued to attend. After attending some time, I was plugged into this small group where my leader was Jiseon. I remember the first day I met her, she asked for my number. My first thought was, “why does this girl want my number I barely met her!” I thought she was very nice because she called just to see how I was doing. The girls my age always wanted to get to know me but the whole time I was thinking my deal with God was to just find a church. Because of this mentality I didn’t get involved much and just attended service and bible study.
One day however, I confessed to my parents that I had been hiding this relationship from them. This is when I really began to crumble. From there on I completely lost my parents trust. When this happened, Jiseon asked me to evaluate my life. She said I needed to focus on strengthening my faith and a boyfriend would prevent me from really understanding the Gospel and its message. Of course I couldn’t accept what she was telling me and I thought, “who does she think she is to tell me this? I can decide for myself if I want to date or not, she is not my mother.” Somehow, those words did ring a bell after I let it sink in a little. By the end of junior year I was exhausted with family problems and just couldn’t handle my life. It was during these harsh times that I really began to seek God.
I took Course 101 as a starter. It was shocking to find out that through Course 101 I learned for the first time the meaning of the cross. To my amazement, I realized that I really didn’t know what Christianity stood for even though my dad would take us to church. The only thing was that I refused to accept that I was a sinner. After all everyone thought I was a good person, so how could I be a sinner? It was not till I did a John Bible study with Jiseon that I realized the magnitude of my sins. Those few weeks alone, taught me more than what I had been hearing for a year. Until finally one day, Jiseon asked me the direct question of why I was seeking and if this was leading anywhere in my life. We prayed, and after that powerful prayer she told me that the door of opportunity was closing. I will never forget that prayer and the impact those words had in my life after that time. After that night I clearly saw that I was a sinner and I knew that Christ was only waiting for me to accept Him into my life, the question was, when?
I have to admit, there was a lot of inner struggle. I still wanted my own freedom because I didn’t want anyone to have control over my life. But one wonderful day, when Pastor Ed was giving the message on Amos 5:21-24 I felt my own sins on my shoulders. As Pastor Ed explained that our view of God is almost like “whatever” and what we do actually matters to God, I realized that I had made God an object of self gain. I didn’t see God as my savior, I saw Him as a way to get my problems solved. Then Pastor Ed referenced Ephesians 5:3-8. He talked about learning the Word and not letting it sink into our hearts. He mentioned that God is part of all of our lives not just our religious lives. It finally made sense to me that this whole time I was pretending to be a ‘good girl’ in front of God not my family or friends, and hearing that I was a sinner in front of God placed a load of shame on me. So finally on that day I surrendered to Christ and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I just can’t forget that day because that day was my new birth in Christ.
Now I am able to truly experience God’s love, but most of all His mercy. Now I know that it was through the cross and God’s mercy that I was saved. I get scared to think of what my life could have been otherwise. But God in His great mercy brought me to this family of Christ where I found love, guidance and the opportunity to serve the Lord. My new sense of liberty is not to satisfy my own needs, but to instead be free to serve the Lord with joy and gratitude. My life has without a doubt taken a new meaning. It feels like I am a completely new person. All there is left to say is “Amen!”