My name is Jesse Kim and this is my salvation testimony. I grew up in middle-class suburban family and was churched since birth. So, ever since I could remember, I was surrounded by Sunday Christians. During the first week of college, my cousin treated me to dinner at Thai House. During dinner, she asked me not-so-subtly if I was a Christian. I was shocked and taken aback. Nobody had ever asked me this before. They had always assumed I was. In retrospect, I can see that I had never taken the time to ask myself either. I regrouped and quickly answered: “Of course!” When she asked when I made my decision, I quickly searched my memory and came up with another fuzzy answer. Though I was a little confused, I went home that night with no doubt I was a Christian.
My first two years in college, I enrolled in both Course 101 and John 1 on 1, but never got past week 3 in either course. I lived non-committal life, indulging myself in everything I wanted. Yet, I never had a problem with it. Junior year, however, turned out to be a turning point in my life. I moved into an apartment on Piedmont next to Frat row, and found myself falling deeper and deeper into an empty life of experiencing transient, temporary-highs and casual weekend-friends.
At the end of first semester, I met with my cousin at Sweethearts and just like 2 year prior,. Again, she asked me if I was Christian. This time, however, I couldn’t say yes. I dodged her question and gave her a wishy-washy answer. For the next week I began to struggle with this question. In reality, I already knew the answer, but was afraid of admitting the truth. I wasn’t a Christian. The previous 20 years of my life were nothing but lip-service. I was crushed. Yet despite this feeling, I also felt a sense of freedom. Now I knew where I stood and could now make progress. I would no longer be able to fool myself into thinking I was better off than I thought I was.
The next week, I called Mike Kang and asked him if we could meet for dinner. I think he was a little surprised by my call since I probably only called him 2 times in the 3 years I had known him. I told him about my talk with Ellen and with what I came to discover. Mid-sentence, I started to get a little choked-up, which made for an awkward few minutes. This is how my fall semester ended. It ended with a defeated-self, but I have now come to see this as one of the biggest blessings in my life.
During my second semester, I decided to come out to church more regularly. I even felt compelled to give up my Thursday nights to go to Bible Study. I started to interact with my peers more and even got to know some of them fairly well. Halfway through the semester, I found myself studying at Dwight with Steven Chang. As I spent more time there, I got to see how these guys interacted with each other. Something about them was different-something genuine and loving in the way they treated each other. I didn’t know what exactly it was about these people, but I decided that I wanted to be apart of it. Eventually, I made a commitment to move into Dwight my Senior year. This decision may not seem big, but to me it was a HUGE. It meant that I will no longer be able to whatever I wished because I would have a billion brothers keeping me accountable. I would no longer be able to party, drink, and be “free”. Little did I know that this was my first step to true Freedom.
I moved into Dwight during the summer before Senior year and agreed to start Course 101 with Mike. The material we went over wasn’t anything “new,” yet it was so much more powerful and seemed so relevant to my life. The first week, I learned to view sin as the “I problem”; Asserting myself as god and denying the true God. I began to see myself as a Christmas tree which had many shiny ornaments, but was still cut from its roots. In this light, my past made so much sense. I’ve always had a sense of emptiness; A void, which I tried to fill with friends, having fun, and indulging in my sinful nature. Yet, all these things were just a temporary fix. It was like trying to put a band-aid on a broken arm hoping that it will get better. Trying to not think about it, I busied myself with school and other activities. But slowly, I came to the realization that nothing in this world could fill this hole.
It took some time to get over my huge ego, but I came to see my brokenness. I began to see myself as a sinner who is in need of help. At the same time, Pastor Ed began the Misunderstood God message series. The timing seemed perfect. I saw how twisted and false my views of God were. I started to realize he wasn’t a detached being who I could hide from. Instead, he was a God who is longs to have a personal relationship with me. Then as the Prodigal Son message series began, so much more of inner-self was made known to me. I realized that I been searching for freedom in all the wrong places. I had been searching out the things of this world, but what I really needed to search was God. I began to see God’s love for me. I saw Jesus’ sacrifice in a new light. I always knew he had died, but now I realized he died for me. He was bearing my sins on the cross.
God had been there all along. I just wasn't aware of it. He was pleading with me to return. All I had to do was to accept his outstretched arm, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let go control over my life. It was just too frightening. I knew in my heart what was true, but was too scared to let go. I’ve lived my whole life in control, and frankly, I didn’t know how to live otherwise.
It was then that I read the last page of the Course 101 reader. “Fear Not” it said in huge bold font. It said that responding to a living and almighty God is a terrifying ordeal. But despite it’s scariness it demands a response. I went to sleep that night wrestling with myself and wrestling with the truth.
That next day, I met with Mike for the last week of Course 101. We went over everything I had been experiencing and it was then I took the “plunge”. On October 25, 2006 I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. We prayed right there at the café. I was crying so much that I couldn’t even get my prayer out…but unlike that first dinner I had with Mike, I didn’t care. All that matter, at this point, was I had returned to God- my creator, my sustainer, and my savior. For the first time in my life, I was home.
After my decision, it wasn’t a cake-walk. My leaders had told me that a decision was just the beginning and the hard part comes when you try to live out your this commitment. This was so true. As I committed myself to reading the Bible and doing DTs, I found myself realizing more and more how lacking I was. Every day, I was challenged by the way my leaders and peers lived their lives. I could see the gospel being lived out through concrete actions, and it became clear to me that I had so much to grow.
During, the winter of ’07, I attended the senior class retreat and the college retreat. Through a week-long gauntlet of messages and seminars, it slowly dawned on me how I still didn’t know Jesus as he truly was. Up until now, I had been trying to separate Jesus my savior from Jesus my Lord. I had accepted Jesus as my savior, yet still refused to accept him as my Lord. Pastor Ed brought up the point that Jesus isn’t my buddy. He's my savior. He was crucified from me and he demands that I follow him. It was 3 full months after my decisions I had failed to see this. It was like God was using Pastor Ed to slap some sense into me. That night, I began to think about What and Why I was not surrendering lordship over my life. I came to the conclusion that it was because of fear. Fear of financial insecurity, fear and the uncertainty of my future, and fear of letting down my parents. These things had a choke-hold over my heart, and I didn’t even realize it. But, through these retreats, I found that if I don’t get over these fears now, chances are that I will never will. So, that night during the college retreat, I made a commitment to fully surrender my life to Jesus.
In all honesty, these fears still scare me to this day, but I know that God will never let me down. I can see his hand in my life through even the smallest situations and circumstances. I sometimes think what would have happened if even the most minor thing had not happened? What if Ellen nuna hadn’t asked me out to dinner, what if Steven and I had not taken that one class together, what if Mike or Steve just gave up on me after three years of rebellion? What if Sung had just left one dish too many unwashed? What if? What if? What if? It may seem silly, but this helps me to see how intentional God is. So much of my life, that I take for granted had worked for his higher purpose for me. He truly is a Living God. I just pray that he continues to reveal his plan for me and that he give me the strength to follow after him.