From preschool to high school, I have attended Christian schools. My parents, though not Christian, appreciate Christian morals, and thought a private education was far better than letting their children grow up in public schools where gangs and drugs were more rampant. Thus, I was educated as a child how Jesus loves me so because the Bible tells me so. I’ve never questioned the validity of the Bible or the existence of God, but I became jaded after many years of being taught the same doctrine. I thought I knew the Bible, and though I made silent commitments during school retreats every now and then, I would simply slip back into my busy academic schedule and social worries. God was a higher being, but I did not understand the reality or the need for the cross in my life.
I disdained my days in high school, and vowed to start my life all over again after I hit college. I was sick of being labeled as the “goody-two-shoes” who never swore or got angry, when I was boiling with rage and loneliness within. Though I was an average student, I was granted admission into UC Berkeley. I took the time in college to live my “dream life”. Going to parties, studying archaeology passionately, going on long drives with my friends, getting involved in a serious relationship, building up my resume with archaeology expeditions and lab work... Life couldn’t have been any better. Yet, I always sensed that gnawing heartache deep within. I would notice it during my times of solitude when I didn’t have much to do. It was an emptiness I couldn’t explain. I sought to fill that void with an ever-intense relationship and socializing, only to be met with disappointment and disillusionment.
Then, my parents got divorced the winter of my sophomore year. Due to building tensions at home before I left for Berkeley, I knew this was coming, but I didn’t expect this to happen that year. Throughout the divorce process, I avoided my family as much as I could. I did not want to experience the pain, and I definitely did not want to face the fact that my family was breaking apart. I started to think to myself what the point of marriage or even a relationship was about, if in the end every family was to be broken like mine. Why expend so much energy on a family? On people? On life? I questioned my motives for living life during that year, but I could not think of an answer for the purpose of my life.
During spring semester of my Junior year, my roommate received an invitation to the Welcome Night for ABSK, a campus Christian fellowship, from a former floor mate of ours. I have heard about ABSK, and its reputation for being a “gung-ho” Christian gathering, and so has my roommate. Therefore, she wanted me to go with her, so she didn’t feel left out. I sat in the auditorium, listened to the praise, watched the skits and videos, and heard our pastor speak. I do not remember the details of the message, but when the program ended, I decided to go to the reception. I wanted to see for myself who these people were, and why they could worship God in such a vibrant way. I enjoyed the people who I talked with and felt very welcomed. They seemed to be different from the people whom I’ve met in other social gatherings, yet it was a very refreshing experience. Thus, I started to come out every week, meeting with my peers for basketball, being invited for dinners, and learning new things about the Bible through the Devotion Time groups on campus. I never knew the Bible could be so interesting and relevant to my life.
Second semester of my Junior year, I decided to take a course that goes through the basics of Christianity. In particular, I was hit by the example which the main speaker gave us about the love of God. He told us a story of two men in a foxhole, trapped due to violent gunfire and attacks from the enemy. A grenade suddenly fell into the hole, and was about to explode. However, one of the soldiers jumped on the grenade and smothered the blast with his body, allowing the other soldier to survive. After the war, the surviving soldier could not help but question his friend’s motives and reasons for dying. He was so overwhelmed that he approached the deceased soldier’s mother one day and asked her. The mother then answered the soldier, almost in a rebuke saying, “Of course he died because he loved you”. This analogy helped me to see the depth of God’s love for me and the meaning of the cross where Jesus died to show his love for us. However, the question of why Jesus had to die for me, and why the Bible says I have crucified Jesus was still a mystery.
During the Good Friday service that year, the Cross confronted me. Our pastor gave the message on the Pharisees who refused to see Jesus as the Christ, and how often we think we are “ok” and refuse to change. He explained how Judas tried to run away from the truth, and hung himself because he refused to face his sins. There were Pharisees who lashed out onto Jesus when he exposed their sins. In the same way, I saw myself running away from people and God because I was afraid of rejection and exposure, and blaming others for not living up to my expectations or not giving me enough attention. I knew then, that I was not “ok”, that I was continually running away from my problems, and being too demanding of a person. There was a large cross at the front of the sanctuary where we were to nail our confessions onto them before we came to receive Communion. At this point, I prayed to God, “Lord, what do you want from me? I know that you love me, and I know that Jesus exists, what more do you want from me?”. Then, as I prayed and thought about the message, it dawned on me that I needed to accept Christ into my life. God wanted my life. There was no other way. I could not trust myself any longer. I wanted to be loved by God, AND to be known by Him. During that service, I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior as John 3:16 finally made sense to me.
Since then, I have been learning of God’s love and salvation through Christ through my daily interactions with my church and God’s Words. I have been blessed with sisters in Christ and leaders who guide me as I try to come to terms with my struggles through repentance and forgiveness. I have never experienced such deep and genuine love in my life, and I am ever grateful for this “feast” which God has led me to. I look back at how my perspective on life has changed so drastically to the point that I am caring more about the spiritual well-being of others than meddling about my own plans and interests. My heart yearns for my family to come to know God, and this is my prayer that in God’s timing, they will come to understand the true God through Christ. I continue to place my trust in God, and have a willing heart to follow Him wherever He might lead me as I grow in Christ through this church.
Ephesians 4:15-16 – “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ. From Him, the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself in love, as each part does its work.”
Romans 5:6 – “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.”