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I’d say I’ve lived a pretty normal existence. Had my share of rebellion, but always placed as one of the so-called “good kids.” I was raised in the church and flourished as a part of the Christian culture. My parents, both Bible study teachers and my dad an elder, raised me as a leadership figure in the church. By my later high school years I was in praise band for four and a half years and held other various leadership roles in my youth group. Being so involved in church and spending the rest of my time with academics I had no “social life.” At school I was a nomad. I knew all of the groups from the fobs, the honors students, the jocks, to the gung-ho religious kids who prayed around the flagpole and praised instead of eating lunch at the given time. I never really had a core group of friends; I would just roam from group to group with a smile on my face and punches for anyone who wouldn’t hit me back. On the exterior in both realms I was seen as a hardworking happy go lucky kid that was physically abusive enough to hang with the guys, but pulled enough all niters to hang with the honors students. I was a wide range of facades and fronts but what was the truth? Who was the real Irene? I lived with questions like those constantly repeating over and over in my mind, never letting anyone know the real me. How could I, I didn’t know who the real me was.
I didn’t think much of how I would grow spiritually in college. I just assumed that I would fall into a church quickly and people would view me as always as the good little girl. I was already baptized at my home church, so what was there that needed to be questioned? I would serve as diligently as ever in my church and now do the things that I always wanted to do: party, drink, smoke, and hang out late into the night without my parents nagging at me; just like the leaders at my home church. They did what they desired and they would dress up nicely, come to church on the given days, and serve with passion. Scary how normal I thought all of that was.
Being challenged in so many different ways in my freshman year, I was at a point of huge conflict in my life. Week after week the messages always applied to my lost condition, and the stagnancy of my spiritual walk. After a Sunday message on John 5:1-15 about the man who was an invalid for 38 years and was waiting for healing at the pool, I realized that this was an amazingly accurate picture of me. I always used excuses and stories in order to not deal with the responsibilities I would have to take up if I was cured of my sin. No matter how many times Jesus was asking me “Do you want to get well?” my answer was always in forms of complaints and excuses. I could never say yes because I would have to then deal with the consequences. I questioned a lot of the perceptions that I had about myself. It was clear that I was straddling the fence of feeding my own selfish cravings for things in the world and of a life fully devoted to Christ. I was beginning to see how sick and perverted my views of morality within church were, but at the same time denied myself the opportunity to pull myself apart from it. I avoided making a true decision to follow Christ and to give my entire life for him because I wanted to have both worlds.
In the beginning of my sophomore year Pastor Ed spoke on the Samaritan woman in John 4. I had always brushed off this story because I had never been married so I always thought ‘what did this woman have to do with me?’ Then it became so clear to me that I was this woman, looking for love and acceptance everywhere except where it was. The point that was really driven home was that this woman was exposed of having multiple husbands and therefore was shunned by society. Knowing all of the sins in this woman’s life Jesus still came to her willing to give her his forgiveness and love. The significant difference between this woman and myself was that her sins were exposed for the world to see while mine I tried to keep hidden behind masks that other’s would accept. He loved her so much and it was just a matter of her exposing herself to him. I needed to be exposed for all my sins and I knew it but the debate only grew more deeply in my heart. I longed to be exposed as this woman was but I was too afraid and still clung to my churched background.
Thinking of all the praise that I led, the accountability groups where I acted so pious, and my unbelievable lack of Bible knowledge through it all, showed me that these were no more than fronts and masks I had put up hoping to fool all those around me and in the process fooling myself. How much I must have hurt God and been so disgusting in his eyes I cannot even comprehend. He could see the true me through all of this, he saw through my good girl masks and saw me for the rotting soul that I was and he still loved me and took care of me. He loved me despite my faults. I was the invalid next to the pool and the Samaritan woman at the well, and now I could see that so much clearer. God held me so dear to his heart and all I had been doing was pushing him away. How could I have been so prideful of something so disgusting? It took me this long to be able to even see through my own mask and although I was happy that I was finally able to see my reflection a bit more clearly, I knew that I had a long ways to go if I was going to break through all of my own facades and masks.
I finally realized the extent of my sins and that I needed God’s forgiveness and love through the cross. I checked the box committing my life to Christ. I could not just leave it at repenting, rather I understood that after coming to see my true self I needed God’s forgiveness and that it only came in the form of the cross. Christ’s love for me despite my sin was more than anything I could expect. Ultimately I was able to appreciate the true definition of Christ as MY savior. More and more throughout the semester I found mask on top of mask. I had never realized how much I had built up the layers, and message after message I knew that God was reminding me that a check in the box was not the end of the journey but just the beginning. I still struggle with the multiple voices in my head and the oversensitivity to all my relationships, but I am slowing understanding and realizing that God sent me to this place to learn and to be his loving daughter. Though there are many struggles and failures now I have an encouraging and familiar glimpse of my true identity, something that I lost or more accurately misplaced and covered up some time ago. Slowly I will try to tear away all the facades and fronts, fighting my desire to appease my hunger with social acceptance, but I know that none of this will be possible without God.