I do not have much pain or suffering in my life to talk of - my upbringing was stable and uneventful, my parents were nurturing and we were members of the well-heeled middle class in LA. But a few years ago, I went through a cycle of illness, migraine headaches, stomach problems, car accidents and even a broken toe, and though none of these were serious in themselves, the frequency and consistency of my incapacity caused me to seriously question what I might be able to accomplish in life, especially in my service for God. Still young in my 30s, I primarily conceived of my faith as what I do for God in terms of serving others through ministry. This of course is a Biblically healthy attitude for all who take seriously the Lordship and authority of Christ, as we know there is no faith without works. But I have often struggled with another important Biblical value: "being before doing". Naturally lazy and easily satisfied, I have said often that when I discovered Christ's call to service as a natural outgrowth of my love for him, I began to work hard in a way that I have never been able to sustain before. It was exhilarating and fulfilling to expend my time, energy and money for the sake of the Gospel by joining short term mission teams, moving equipment, talking to people, setting up willard, doing whatever needed to be done. But as I lay there in bed many days recovering from yet another bout of illness, it struck me that I might not be able to serve God in the way that I want, which filled me with anxiety, stress and even irritation and frustration. And at the heart of it was: "in the way that I want". Somehow, at the beginning of my walk with God I was all too happy to do whatever was asked of me, but along the way, I began to think, and became even certain, that I ought to serve God in definite and indisputable ways. I had to ask myself, If I never achieve those goals, will I be ok with that? Would I still be able to love God and people in whatever way God wanted me to? Would I be ok being needy and the object of others' service?

I struggled mightily with God and argued with him often. I didn't want to live out my faith in any way other than a course I would chart out as successful. I had to rethink my whole idea of success and failure and a meaningful life in God's eyes. Though I've rarely been ambitious, I began to see how I wanted to do much with God helping me, rather than submitting myself to God as he does his work. I recall we covered Deuteronomy for DT during those days and all of God's words poured out, his laws, provisions, decrees, to the Israelites so that they would become a certain sort of people first and foremost. Yes, to live it out before the nations but only as a natural consequence of their inner, unseen character as people of God. I recall being blessed too by one DT on Ephesians 2:8-9, the famous verses on the grace of God being a gift, undeserved and unearned. A gift to be simply received. And I note again that the following verse talks of doing good works as a result.

But when the good works, in the way that I want, to the extent that I want, could not be done by me, would I continue to demand it be so, or accept my place and be satisfied to serve another way? Through that time, I prayed often, "This is who I am and I accept my limitations. Use me however you will." I tried to persevere through my frequent illness and life's inconveniences instead of being irritated and depressed. As someone has said, an essential part of growing in character is to first accept your personal limitations. I see that it was during this difficult time that God wanted to mold my character. Though still hard at times, I can say much more easily now that I accept my limitations and God's plan for my life if when all is said and done, I can have the kind of inner, unseen character that would honor God.

Generally, the part of the mission trip that I least look forward to is the end, because that’s when I’m forced to write pages of reflection on “what God did.” But on this mission trip, I was looking forward to having a time of reflection, when I would have a chance to put on paper the multitude of things that I saw, realized, and committed to through God’s work.

Being a weighty, high-inertia sort of person, I frequently don’t want to get up and do things. My default reaction, when somebody suggests embarking on any sort of journey, be it to the house next door or around the world, is a sort of lazy reluctance. Thus, when Cambodia mission trip time rolled around, I found myself lacking a will to go. The only real reason I had signed up for Cambodia instead of the normal YWAM Mexico trip is because that’s what was sort of expected of us older youth. The thought of a month in a hot humid, and buggy distant land, having to struggle to communicate with strangers (I hate talking to strangers), doing embarrassing skits, and teaching wild, rowdy, and ungrateful little kids did not appeal to me

Thankfully, however, even my laziness is somewhat lazy, so the reluctance I felt was vague at best and not strong enough to make me actively try to not go. I say thankfully because this mission trip to Cambodia has been possibly the most amazing month of my life. Had I not gone, it would have been one of my greatest regrets once I reached heaven. That month was the most active, spiritually focused, joyful, and rejuvenating month I’ve ever experienced. Although words can’t fully express everything that happened there, I’m going to try and write down everything possible.

First and foremost, God has given me a heart for Cambodia. I feel like the most pertinent verse for that nation is Matthew 9:37-38: “Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.” I thought of this verse again and again while in Cambodia. There’s so much work to be done there. In the short month that I was there during Cam 3 and 4, I witnessed God at work, with over forty people brought to Christ. My mind is still trying to wrap itself around the awesomeness of that fact. Think what a team like ours could have done if we stayed for a year, and think how much even more than that we could accomplish if we could commit our lives to serving that nation. They so desperately need help. And God is powerful: whatever little we have to offer, he can multiply it so much. It doesn’t take a whole lot of talent, just a serving heart and a desire to do God’s will. God can do so much with just that. When I’m done with school, I plan to go back for a long-term commitment. On our previous mission trips to Mexico, I never felt such a sense of desire to help, a desire that borders on obligation. On the last day of Cam 3, Pastor Koo spoke to us, telling us of the great need in Cambodia for more help. He asked us to come back, to consider coming back long-term. As he spoke, his words tugged at my heart. I knew that I had to come back, that he was speaking to me. It is clear to me that God wants me to in Cambodia for at least a chunk of my life. My purpose in life has become a little more clear. I know that if I don’t pursue that purpose, I’m going to miss out big time on what God has in store for me, and I’ll forever regret it. Cambodia has a permanent place in my heart.

But aside from Cambodia as a nation, I’ve more specifically fallen in love with the Cambodian children, the next generation. Contrary to my expectations, the best part of the mission trip was for me interacting with the kids. Like I said, I had been bracing myself for a bunch of wild, rowdy, and ungrateful kids. I considered teaching them an unpleasant but necessary chore that I had to do for the sake of mission trip. But instead, the kids I found there were polite, well behaved, and happy just to see you. Of course they were hyper and noisy sometimes, because kids are kids wherever you go, but I found that it didn’t bother me at all. I was given the privilege of teaching the 5th grade class at Life University for both Cam 3 and Cam 4. By the end of our time there, the end of the first week for Cam 4 and my third week, I was wishing I could just stay there forever. As soon as we got on the bus for our final week in Cambodia, on our way to Siem Reap, home of Angkor Wat, I was missing them already, and looking forward to the next summer, when I could come back and see them again.

Some of the most precious times with the kids were during the morning chapel time. Every morning we would have a 7:50 chapel time. We would lead the students in a time of praise, then present a skit and a message. I am not a morning person, but the smiles on their faces, the excitement and eagerness with which they participated, and the precious times we had before chapel to just spend time with them, made it much more than worth it.

My prayer request for this mission trip was that God would teach me faith. I wanted to be able to simply trust in Him, without any sort of hindrance or doubt. Being a skeptical and somewhat pessimistic person, I find that I often lack faith in God. This prayer request was answered so concretely and decisively that I almost felt overwhelmed.

Almost every day, God had something new to teach me about faith through the DT. I never realized how precious the Bible really is. It never fully struck me that the Bible is a letter from God; but during this mission trip, God really drove that point home. On Monday, the day after we prayed through each other’s prayer requests by small group, the text for the day was Psalm 31: That day, God taught me that faith and pride are incompatible through verse 23. And every psalm that followed had something to tell me about faith: about the nature of faith, about why we should put our faith in God. Almost every psalm that we read involved David or some other psalmist crying out to God for deliverance. David was totally humble; any time he ran into trouble, he called out to God.

One incident that stands out in my mind occurred during a visit to the home of one of my 5th grade students, Soktevy. Every week, the primary school teachers would go off to different students’ homes, to give encouragement to the parents and try to share the gospel with them. On this particular visit, Matt Yee and I were trying to share the gospel, via the bridge presentation, with the student’s mother. However, she seemed bored by our evangelism, and when we finished informed us that she had heard this message before. We asked how, and she replied “My daughter tells me this story every single day.” It turns out that Tevy had become a Christian through Life University when she was younger, and was in fact so convicted that she even refused to bow down to the family idols when her mother told her to. She also wants to become a bible teacher at Life U when she graduates.

This discovery served as a rebuke for me. I often feel cynical about children’s ministry, questioning how much they really understand, and how much difference the messages they hear make. I always considered children’s ministry important mostly in that we make sure they enjoy it enough to stay on through youth, when they’re really old enough to learn. But here was a fifth grader who clearly understood the implications of her faith, and already wanted to serve God so concretely. It gave me a lot of hope to know that in the next generation of Cambodians, there would be some who would represent the name of God to their peers.

Eventually, the end of our third week at Life University rolled around, and it was time to go from Sihanoukville to Siem Reap. As we sang praise during what was going to be our last chapel time, I found myself tearing up with worry for these children. What would become of them? They don’t live in a safe and sanitary world like the one I come from. They aren’t in a country where Christianity dominates. What if I returned next year and some of the kids I had grown to know and love were no longer there? At that moment, I felt utterly powerless. What can man do? It was a humbling experience, and all I could do was pray. As I cried out to God in my heart, we started to sing “Your Love is Deep.” I clung to the words that the children shouted out in their little voices: “who shall separate us? Who shall separate us from your love? Nothing can separate us. Nothing can separate us from you love!” At that moment, I realized that at that moment, I simply had to put my faith in God. Even if I stayed in Cambodia, what could I do? But God is mighty to save, and can do what I can’t.

That day’s DT text was Psalm 42, with that memorable verse, verse 5: “Why are you so downcast oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my savior and my God.” I don’t think there could have been a more perfect verse for me at that moment. It was much more than coincidence. God, in his infinite wisdom, gave me the perfect verse at the perfect time. I read that verse over and over again, until I had it memorized. The rest of the day, I played that verse through my head again and again. And as I meditated on those words, gradually, God gave me peace. And I wasn’t worried about the children as much. I simply resolved to pray for them every day, and trust God.

But of course, I still miss those kids like crazy. Back in America, it’s easy to forget what happened in such a far-off country. But whenever I’m tempted to forget, tempted to ignore what I saw and experienced over there, I remember them. And in a year, I’m heading straight back for Cambodia. Wild horses couldn’t drag me away from that country, where God became so real and my purpose became so clear.

"Out of sight, out of mind." Quite frankly, this short phrase describes how I have related to my far-away friends whom I don't see on a regular basis. Why? You might ask. A number of reasons can readily roll off my tongue. It takes a lot of effort to keep in touch with them, and I am tired. I am too busy at the moment. They are probably busy with their own things as well. What's there to talk about now that we are in different places? Is it worth the trouble? The root of all these excuses, however, is an immature and unloving heart.

God gave me the opportunity to wrestle against my naturally uncaring disposition through the Overseas group in the International Student Ministry. The Overseas group is responsible for maintaining contacts with graduate students or visiting scholars who have joined the International Student Ministry while they were in Berkeley but have returned to their home countries after they finished their program or research. The Overseas group would try to meet up once a week to brainstorm ways to keep up these precious relationships. As we recounted memories of these relationships, I was often struck by the preciousness of these relationships and these people. It gave me motivation and reasons to make an effort to keep in touch with them. And as I tried to do that, God reminded me that He is the one who would never forget or forsake us because He loves us so much. So, through the Overseas group, I experience God's love a little deeper, and I learn to love a little bit deeper.

Ever since I graduated from Joyland at the end of 6th grade, I wanted to go back someday as a Joyland teacher. I knew that I had received so much from all of my Joyland teachers and I wanted to give back. Only three years later, I didn’t expect an opportunity so soon, but when I heard that the youth were going to be involved in Joyland and Impact, I jumped at the chance to help out in Joyland. Now I’m the assistant teacher for the 3rd-4th grade girls.

Being a Joyland teacher has really helped me to grow in ways that I couldn’t anticipate when I first started. Although Joyland has evolved so much since I was a student, now actually being behind the scenes I’m able to appreciate so much more how much work all of the teachers put into every week, how much all of my teachers did. And as I spend time every week with the girls in my class, I find myself during the week just wondering how they’re doing, how things are at school, at home and really worrying about them. Even though I really do so little, I’m so thankful for this opportunity to be able to give back, because I know that I don’t deserve this. From coming early Sunday mornings to help set up, to doing all of the motions that I used to hate to do, I’m thankful for Joyland where I’m constantly growing and experiencing real JOY.

I joined CSUEB Koinonia last summer after graduating from college, and I’ve been meeting up weekly with one of the international students there to cover Course 101, a course on the intellectual foundations of Christianity. It’s been a great experience for me. I like the fact that we can discuss focused topics, ranging from the consequences of sin to the historical reliability of the New Testament. The best part is sharing our own experiences, which helps us gain a deeper, more personal understanding of Biblical ideas. I've learned that so much of what the Bible says is backed up by human experiences. For example, many people give their lives pursuing goals that don't fulfill them in the end, and it points to what the Bible explains as our missing relationship with God who is the giver of life, as well as the insatiable greed that results from our sin.

I believe I've grown doing Course 101 with this student because it has strengthened my own faith and understanding of the gospel. Through Course 101, I'm reminded that my sin has real consequences and that I really need God's forgiveness. I've also grown because her questions challenge me to think, question my own assumptions, and understand issues from a different perspective. Her questions are helping me learn to listen better and become more alert to how a person's ideas and worldview can shape the way a person lives.