Life at Gracepoint

In my 7th grade journal for English class, I wrote that in the year 2000, I would be living on my own in a cool, artsy loft in New York. I detailed the kind of cultured and carefree life I saw as having “made it.” I would be independent and successful.

Right after high school graduation, one of my closest friends committed suicide after a long battle against severe depression. The dominant memory of my last year of high school, apart from all the typical frenzy of teenage activity and fun, was trying to “save” my friend from his depression and suicidal thoughts. When he died, so did any of my illusions that life was going to be easy, that I could genuinely help anyone, or that 7th grade dreams could come true. When I was 16, I seriously thought this was the guy I was going to marry. We were going to run away (again, to New York), I was going to be a cool, hip writer, and he was going to be in a band, and all this small-town drama would be behind us.

After what happened with my friend, I decided the only way to be carefree about life, which was actually so full of pain, was to numb myself by indulging in whatever pleasure and fleeting happiness I could before I died. Like in high school, I swung between mildly melancholic depression, writing morose poems while listening to the Cure or more angry alternative music that screamed about how people and life really stank, and manic escapism through movies, books, and increasingly destructive forms of “hanging out.”

I know that if God had not intervened at this critical juncture of my life, I would have gone down a dark path of self-destructive hedonism and nihilism. I am pretty certain I would be an alcoholic and a gambler. I would probably be an angry-at-the-world Riot Grrrl blogger, and think being angry at everything was the definition of being ‘deep’ and ‘in touch with reality.’ I would have serious anger management issues and would likely be making everyone in my life miserable with all my petty drama.

Instead, through the providential meeting of Jeannie Lee and Richard Kwon who helped me move into my dorm my freshman year of college, I was able to come to Gracepoint, where I had a fresh encounter with the God and gospel I thought I knew since birth, and I am now involved in the only Drama worth talking about – the story of God’s redemptive work in this broken world. My attempts to save my friend through my own humanistic means have been replaced with the truly life-saving gospel of Christ, which first saved me, and I now try to take to others God has brought into my life. I think about the poems I used to write. I was so confused about life, and yet so sure I had the bird’s eye view that being cynical was wise, and all the happy people were naïve. Now I reflect and journal about the word of God and how it applies to my life amidst all the storms, ups and downs, how it guides my life, fills me with true hope, purpose and the truth that there is joy in the Lord because of who He is and what He has done.

This year, as I co-lead one of the college department homegroups, I have the privilege of participating in the truly dramatic work of God in the lives of about 40 undergrads. Sieun and I minister to about 20 girls together, and just this year, we’ve experienced so much - 1 salvation, 4 baptisms, several big Lordship decisions, people going on mission trips and their worldviews being overturned, and more. I am filled with genuine joy when there is spiritual movement in the life of one of these precious younger sisters in my life, when the word of God comes alive to them for the first time. As my younger sisters struggle to become true disciples of Christ, I am filled with awe that God would somehow use me toward that end.

I paused when I was at our Thanksgiving Celebration practice last week. What was I doing, doing silly dance moves with people on average ten years younger than myself? I would never have pictured my life the way it is now. On a typical day, if I’m not meeting up with these college students, I’m thinking about them, praying for them. Now, when I’m sitting at a café table, I’m not reading some esoteric novel and sipping on a latte, but counseling a younger sister, praying for her as she daily struggles to fight against very real and toxic peer pressure in this sex-saturated, substance-dependent culture.

I used to envision living alone in some fancy loft filled with art, music, books, and movies with subtitles. There actually is a loft in the house I live in now, but I’m also living with six younger sisters, and we’ve committed to opening our home to be used for God’s work. Our home and our collective lives are filled with people, and I couldn’t be more thankful to God for the blessing each one is in my life. Before, I did not want to bother with the messiness of other people’s real life problems, because as I experienced with my friend from high school, I knew I couldn’t help them on my own. But especially this year, as I personally experienced the power of God in a deeper way to break my own chains of cynicism and despair, to free me from sin and to carry me through times of deep insecurity and questioning my worth and purpose, I can embrace each person and the potential can of worms they might be with the confidence that comes from the hope of God and not the despair of man. Once, my goal was to be independent and to numb myself through this painful existence called life, but now I am actively engaging my world and the people in it. I used to avoid any kind of struggle in my life, but I have committed to struggling against my own sins and character issues, so that I can be an effective channel of God’s love in the lives of the precious people I have embraced and claimed out of an obligation to the gospel of Christ. When I doubt God’s leading in my life because I get hung up on how the world defines a good life, all I have to do is think about the isolated, self-destructive kind of life I wanted and was on the way to having, and to see God has truly multiplied my life, filled it with so many people, and ennobled it with His divine purpose.

This past weekend, I attended Gracepoint Fellowship Church's New Student Welcome Night for the 15th time since i graduated college! And it never gets old. We do the same skit every year, but it's still hilarious. It's the same people grilling more and more meat. This year, we marinated and grilled 1200 pounds, led by our very own Jenny Shin and Mark Lee. I was very proud of our Praxis Department (both SF and Berkeley) and our Element students, who were the hands and feet for both NSWNs. The youth and a few px members were out there for 6 hours grilling the meat in 90 degree weather! Without complaints. We had about 150 people helping, but with the 1000+ people who came flooding into Pauley Ballroom that first night, we needed most everyone at Pauley to register, usher, make bentos, run the video cameras, be security, etc, that we were very limited in people back at Dana House to grill and clean. People were shuttling back and forth in between duties to help out to grill, if even for an hour or 30 minutes. My personal heroes were the 4 trash guys, who basically spent all night long manning the trash cans to make sure that we had new trash bags to line the cans, that people were stacking their bentos and disposing of their leftover food properly and without mess, and recycling the water bottles. Even though I tried to give them a glorious title, like "trash manager" or "trash lead," I mean, it's like the guy (who actually was a ruler by the way) who built up the Dung Gate in Nehemiah 3, not very glorious, but done to honor God.

For me personally, it was a picture of the church in action, the church that I grew up in and have grown to love. It's times like these that show the values we cherish so much and work so hard to preserve. The value of giving it all for kingdom work regardless of MY personal discomfort or my role. The value of living it out together, each man doing his part, but contending as one man for the sake of the Gospel - I saw freshman (graduates from Element) laying down video cables for the overflow, even our Joyland kids helping to make utensil packets and serve ice cream sundaes, the oldest of our leaders grilling and marinating meat late into the night the day before the bbq, members from different departments (ISM, CSUEB, SF) all taking time out to help even though their own NSWN's were coming up. The value of getting close as we got stressed and overwhelmed, as we were more irritable and needed to work things out with one another, as we cooked together, poked fun of one another (especially John Ko, who still needs his gummi bears to get him through). The values of growing up and training up as we made mistakes trying to use new lights, new software, new video-cameramen and women. And of course, the value of reaching out, as we saw over 1000 new students come to hear this precious Gospel message which has been entrusted to us to share with others. Personally, it was a time to connect with God once again, and to reaffirm why I do the things I do, it's because I have a great and awesome God. I felt so privileged and thankful to witness and to be a part of what He is doing through our church and what He can do through a group of people surrendered and available and willing to do whatever to honor our great God.

We arrived on Friday night at midnight to humidity and heat. We walked into a lively house, brightly lit, full of people, a lot of food, and a hearty, happy greeting. This was the church. Manny & Sunny's house – although located 2 time zones away – felt like any one of our homes here. Saturday morning, we toured the campus, took pictures, did that day's Devotional Time, and visited the amazing Sunday service location. It was across the street from the campus – like being in between Bancroft and Durant in Berkeley! We also visited the bible study location, and the giant football stadium that was within the campus. We huddled, shared DT and prayed for the campus. Isaiah 1 came alive in many different ways. I clung to the amazing promise of the Lord that he himself will restore the injured, afflicted people into a righteous city, city of hope and justice. Filled with Spiritual food and delicious sandwiches that made Quiznos look watered down (food in Austin was bigger and better – a comparison that we were to make across the board), we continued to unpack and help the 4 households settle in. Saturday night, we were full and satisfied. I thought that God was indeed good, providing for these homes in a timely way, providing for this kind of fellowship and sharing in this kind of excitement together.

Little did I know that the best was yet to come...On Sunday, we visited Hope in the City church. Some of us had heard about Austin Stone where Chris Tomlin sometimes led praise, but we went to Hope in the City instead. It seemed friendly, spacious, and warm enough – but then so was the rest of Austin as far as we could see. The college pastor, the senior pastor, and various staff walked over to us, introduced themselves and met us and greeted us warmly, even before the service began, so we knew that they were personable. The senior pastor, Ron Parrish, told us that he remembers the missed call from Pastor Ed, and heartily recognized our team. He was friendly and beaming, and we thought, Austin people are sure friendly! Then, during the extended praise time, Pastor Ron called out our Austin team to the front of the sanctuary. He then excitedly told the congregation about our church plant and our vision, had Manny take the mic and share some more. We had not expected this. Then, he asked the congregation to come out and lay their hands and pray for the team! People poured out from their seats, surrounded our team members in clusters, and prayed. The pastor and the praise team continued to pray and play music, and the pastor led us all through specific requests. It was clear that he knew what church plants were about. His prayers were specific – not at all generic. Specific about housing, jobs, adjustment, the obstacles they were facing, and their needs. It was as if he were with us all along and not someone who just met us 30 minutes ago!

We could not believe it. We could not help but marvel and praised God – who are we and who is our church that He would bless us so graciously and lovingly by such Godly people? This was a church that had planted 7 churches in 8 years, one of them being a 100-man Indonesian plant. That very day, they were sending off a team to Turkey, led by their college pastor. They themselves had a 120-member college department. Pastor Ron Parish and his wife had been ministering to the UT Austin students themselves and started campus bible study groups during their college years. They were both so happy and glad to meet us. Even after the service was over, they had our team come out again to the side, so that the people who prayed for them can share God's insights and continue talking and encouraging them. It was not what we had expected, although I'm sure we would have been blessed at many other services. God is so good. He is so gracious and kind, not treating us as our sins deserve. His heart is so urgent, so desperate for the lost out there, for this particular demographics that were not being reached.

The DT text upon our return was on Isaiah 40: "Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins."

There was a lot of comfort needed past week. Comfort for those of us who sent off the Austin team, and comfort for the team that departed. Hope in the City church people said that they understand the sacrifices our team had to make, but greater the sacrifice, greater the reward [in heaven]. I thought about the Beatitudes, how Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." I felt that God indeed spoke "tenderly to" our Austin team as well as to the rest of us through Hope in the City church's prayer warriors. I felt like they were that "man of peace" that welcomed us to their city, proclaiming that "greater things need to be done in the city" as was one of their praise songs, that they were like Simeon and Anna who recognized and blessed the baby Jesus in the temple courts. I felt like could this have been a small glimpse of how Joseph and Mary might have felt, as they brought baby Jesus to the temple to comply with the Law, and received an unexpected, overwhelming flood of divine affirmation and prophesy? Joseph and Mary obeyed and sacrificed their entire future and plans for Jesus, and though there was the host of angels and shepherds, they would now be facing the reality of bringing up the Son of God in a very earthly world. And how great their surprise and wonder and joy must have been when two revered prophets of the temple came to them and blessed and prophesied. Perhaps the power and the reality of Simeon and Anna's words sustained them through the difficult years ahead. How marvelous it was to be in the presence of God.

I felt like it was a charge and affirmation from God: Now, go and bring comfort to the city of Austin, to the UT Campus, to the many people who are lost in the spiritual desert.

I felt the rebuke of v. 27 "Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God'"? There is no room for any complaint that God does not understand or hear us. He led us to this church to be so richly blessed. He knew and He had us in mind through that church. He knew and fully understood our fearful, complaining, weak, sad, insecure hearts, and poured out unmistakable assurance that He is in control here.
Once again I experienced the juxtaposition of the "Sovereign Lord" who "comes with power" and the tender Shepherd who "tends His flock like a shepherd" who "gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart...gently leads those that have young." Through the concrete voices of the prayer warriors of Hope in the City, He acknowledged our fears and insecurity and addressed them. He showed His tender, gentle love by those same prophetic blessings that expressed the fears and sadness and insecurity in our team's heart.

One of the women told Sunny that it is hard to leave your loved ones behind to start a church; she went on to say, "greater the sacrifice, greater the reward/fruit." Sunny teared up as she recounted it to us, and I thought, surely our God is so kind and gracious and tender-hearted, comforting and strengthening her exactly how she needed it.

Fasting has never been my thing. In fact, I have never fasted before, and the last thing I would plan to do is to give up food for any purpose. Food is simply too important to me. I understood the tragedy of the 15,000 children dying because of hunger everyday, but what could a 30 hour fast do? Still, I agreed to fast along with other Kairos brothers and sisters, and I prayed for God to help the children. On Friday night before our fasting was to begin, I ate a lot, thinking to myself that this should at least last me a while. The next morning I woke up with my stomach growling. "Oh no," were the first two words that came out of my mouth that morning. We got to North Loop at around 10am, and we spent some time doing saturation reflection on Psalm 32 before we started working on various projects at North Loop. Tai was helping out with the Compassion Wall, which contains photos of the Compassion children that our church sponsors. I got to help Jammy Yang build a door for the storage in the back. Tony, Robert from Kairos 2, and some other brothers were building a step for the stage. I was able to help them out with that too towards the end when they were near finishing with the project. We ended our hard work at about 4:30 pm. Time flew by fast, and if it hadn't been for that work, I probably wouldn't be able to continue with the fast.

After we left North Loop, we went together to see the exhibit called Step Into Africa, where we were able to personally experience what a child's life is like living in Africa. We learned that HIV-AIDS has taken so many precious lives in that continent. Many kids grow up in children-headed households as a result of their parents killed by AIDS. Many of them live without shelter and without food. Reflecting back on the environment that I live in, I am very privileged compared to them. They are created in God's image, just as I am, and I don't deserve anything that I own as much as they do. I complain about the sudden change in weather, when it gets too cold I'm not happy, when it gets too hot I get lazy, failing to realize that some of these children in Africa sleep through storms with nothing but a thin sheet of straw mat and a few layers of banana leaves. The Step Into Africa experience definitely gave me a new perspective on life.

We woke up at around 6:15 Sunday morning. As I was brushing my teeth, I kept thinking about the delicious breakfast that Yang and the sisters had prepared for us. I thought to myself that I had never been up this early and still very happy about it. Just then a voice spoke to me and told me that while my fasting hours can be counted, many children wake up from who-knows-how-long without food, and there is still uncertainty in whether or not they will be eating anything before the sun goes down that day. It hit me hard. A short glimpse of famine had only been 30 hours for me, but for others it can mean days, weeks, it's part of their life, and it dictates whether or not they will live to see another day. I was right. Fasting for 30 hours may have helped the starving children in Africa just a little bit with the money our church raised, but more than that, it helped me understand how fortunate I am, and how I should be grateful for everything that I have, and that everything is given to me by my Father in Heaven, who is always providing for me.

As it's passion week, I have been thinking a lot about each of the characters in the passion events. As much as I hate to admit it to myself, much less to others; I am like these individuals. Yet, when I read the accounts that show how they are, I want to distance myself from them. I say to myself, I'm not that bad, I’m not like them. These accounts seem so unbelievable and incredulous almost, that people could be that cruel. How can a close friend betray Jesus for a mere 30 pieces of silver? How can crowds of people switch allegiances so quickly? How can a group of authorities frame an innocent man, and destroy and snuff out his life, just like that. How can THE commander in chief be so swayed by human approval, that he threw out his own conscience and good judgment to keep his political position? How can Jesus’ own close friends and followers, faithful and loyal to him for 3+ years, all flee and deny relationship with him to escape culpability? And yet I am like them. I am like these soldiers, whose anger and violence played out in cruel mockery and violence towards an innocent man that they did not even know. I am like these soldiers, just wanting to lord it over other people for no good reason. The events of the passion week seem like a made up story. And yet, as I read and as I write it out like this, boy, it hits close to home. I recognize aspects of myself in these characters: the cowardice and fear I feel in front of others that causes me to deny what I know to be true, how easily swayed I am by the tide of public or not so public opinion that makes me doubt my identity, the anger and even violent thoughts that surge within me because somehow I feel slighted, or because of some chip on my shoulder. Ultimately, the mantra that is behind my actions and words is "save myself." But this was the very reason Jesus came to die; not to save himself, but to save me from my own sin. I try to save myself from pain, from ridicule, from suffering and shame. He saved me from myself, my sins that would have destroyed me and everything good around me. What a wretched man I am indeed. Lord, please deliver me.